Potrait of the artist as a young woman...

This was me today - only cranky. Yeah, imagine Angry Eeyore - and that was me. I'm currently attempting repentance.

Whoa there...

Ok, so this morning I'm reading along, trying to finish up a textbook for American Church History, and then BAM! I run into this paragraph:

"Some denominations, rather than taking steps in the direction of female ordination and greater leadership opportunities for women, have taken steps in the opposite direction. The Southern Baptist Convention had ordained women as early as 1964 and by the mid-1980s had ordained over 400 women. By that time, however, ordaining women to the ministry had become highly controversial, with an increasingly conservative leadership becoming ever more outspoken in opposition to such action. At its 1984 annual meeting, in a crucial fundamentalist move, the Southern Baptist Convention declared that women should not assume a role of authority over men. Women were to be excluded from the pastoral ministry to 'preserve a submission God requires because the man was first in creation and the woman was first in the Edenic fall.' In 1986 the convention's Home Mission Board voted not to grant funds to any church that employed a woman pastor, and then in 1998 the convention capped its reactionary turn by declaring the women were to practice 'gracious' submission to their husband's leadership."
~Edwin Gaustad & Leigh Schmidt, The Religious History of America, 389 (emphasis mine).~

Whoa there! I had no idea that the SBC had ordained women at one time! Can you imagine being one of those women who had been ordained, then told that their callings were invalid so they couldn't be pastors anymore? And it's prrrrretty interesting that their conservative position on women's submission did not formally crystallize until the 1980s. Granted, you can't make an argument for women's ordination (or for egalitarianism) based on this fact, but I'm just saying...

Perhaps we should all recognize that the way these debates unfold in the U.S. are as much cultural as theological.

Fragments of the day

Reading the past in an old worn journal,
I wonder at the thoughts I see expressed--
mine, yet not mine,
far off, yet resonant--
and I trace the patterns
through many days of grief,
recurring questions,
tear stains,
exclamations
of joy and frustration--
the patterns of my life--
weakness interwoven
with truth--

and You are there
for You were there--
in the dullness
in the ache
in the joy
in the beauty--
You were there
in those strange words
in a familiar handwriting--
You were there
in those dry tears of desperation
and knotted angst--

You were there with me
when I felt no presence
of You--
your truth
your love
your passion
your grace
your peace
your goodness
your justice
your blessings
your Word--
You were there
loving me.

And for that--
I praise thee.

Excusing vs. Forgiving

As part of one of my classes, I am reading a great, great book: Peacemaking Women: Biblical Hope for Resolving Conflict. I admit, when I first saw the title, I thought (in my sarcastic voice), "Great, a fluffy book that's going to drive me crazy and be all sentimental." However, from the moment I opened the book, I was captured. The book goes much deeper than simply, "Let's just all get along" - it talks about conflicts with God, conflicts with others, and conflicts within (like shame, fear and depression). It also draws in Scripture in such a way that it hits home in very practical ways. I sense that the Lord is actually going to use this book in my life in a deep way...


Here's one quote that struck me as I was reading a chapter on Forgiveness this morning:

"... Excusing somebody is not the same thing as forgiving her. Too often, even in the church, we are taught to excuse others rather than to forgive. Have you ever heard (or said) something like this: 'Yes, she wronged me, but she was going through a really hard time and I really wasn't there for her--so I forgive her.' This is not forgiving; it is excusing. Excusing says, 'On the basis of some external criteria, I release you.' True biblical forgiveness says, 'On the basis of God's forgiving me for my sin, I forgive you.' ... Excusing does not last. Forgiveness lasts forever."~Tara Klena Barthel & Judy Dabler, Peacemaking Women: Biblical Hope for Resolving Conflict (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2005), 114.~

Looking back...

Most of you will probably NOT be surprised when I say that I am a self-reflective person. I'm one of those people who keep old journals and occasionally go back and read them. Sometimes, I find it hard to fall asleep until I get my thoughts down on paper. So imagine my delight when, while putting some old notebooks in boxes (let's hear it for a mid-semester move), I found my folder from a class I took my first year at seminary: "Personal Assessment and Introduction to Ministry." Now I realize that all you TEDS people probably just gave a big groan... but I actually enjoyed that class! This morning, I've been looking through my thoughts about myself and about ministry - written three years ago. It's pretty fascinating to see where God has brought me, three years later.

As part of my "Life-Line" project, which basically involved writing a spiritual autobiography, I wrote the following prayer in response to what I saw as I looked back at God's work in my life.

Lord God, Father Almighty, how often I have cried out to you! I look back at myself and I see desperation, I hear weeping. Yet I look back at you and I see faithfulness, I hear comfort. For before I could cry out, You knew me. Before I knew how prideful I was, You prepared humility for me. Before I knew how little I knew You, You knew me better than I will ever know myself, and You loved me. When my whole life was dedicated to serving myself, You were preparing me for service. When I struggled against Your plans for my life, You were persistent in pulling me in the right direction. And in spite of myself--in spite of my pride, my ambition, my independence, my snobbery--You saved me, You granted me faith, You breathed new life into me by Your Word and Spirit, and You transformed my life. I praise You, Lord!

Holy Trinity, I am unworthy. And even my self-doubt is lack of faith: I fear that You are not enough to cover my inadequacy. Yet You have taught me that You alone are enough! You alone save me by Your grace! You alone have raised me up and given me a calling as a precious gift! You have guided my every step! You created me with a unique personality and passion, and You chose to create me this way. When I hate who I am (Kyrie eleison!), You show me Your love and remind me that I am who I am for a reason... and You are shaping who I am to conform to the image You designed me to reflect: the image of You Son. I praise You, Lord!

When did I learn not to cry?
Not to reveal,
instead conceal--
emotions hidden
die unrejected
but lie undead
in the heart's chambers,
preparing their revenge.

A dribble of pain
unleashes torrents--
destructive, overwhelming--
and rusty gears
creak, creak, creak
before they
click along again.
Greased by tears,
my inner gears
begin to turn--
more risk
more pain--
but free.

~ARH 11/5/08~

Seek the source
Crave the root --
springs of life
come unexpected
but not without intention.

Work for rest,
Strive for peace,
Clear the clutter,
Rediscover
the room of one's own.

~ARH 09.28.2008~

"Soul's Imperative"

Let in the light,
Banish the darkness,
Throw open the curtains
dusty with disuse,
Tear down the blinds
that hid the day
and face the bright stranger
with squinted eyes.

Soak in the piercing clarity
with pale cheeks uptilted,
Sweep clean forgotten corners
and drive away the fear
that cherished gloom
and guarded ash
and stifled souls
but could not conquer.

Fling wide the barred door
and reclaim your rightful home.

~ARH 10/30/08~

flickr.com/photos/70818488@N00/2426397140

"Top 10 Ways to Write Bad Worship Song"

Zing!

Top 10 Ways to Write Bad Worship Songs

(From Worship Matters blog)

Happy thoughts

This past weekend, I got to go home to California for Fall Break - the first time I'd been to SoCal since last Christmas. Sunshine, good food, Disney, the beach, the parents, the bro, the lazy mornings... ahhh.... a girl could get used to that REAL fast. But a girl could also not get any studying done right before midterms.... oops. Oh well. Some snapshots of the good times:

Despite the unbelievable number of times I have been to Disneyland, it's still special to come with my Dad.

We didn't exactly plan our wardrobes that day thinking we would pose for a picture in front of a ginormous winking pumpkin.

I may forget it sometimes, but I really am a California girl at heart.

Oh, the bro. I could have posted some normal pictures of him... but where's the fun in that?

Reflections on Pain

"And Take"

Deep wounds
invisible bruise--
surface contusions carefully concealed.
Common-place
Profound
Particular
Ecumenical

We the wounded walk in fear
of the glaring critical eye, or hand, or tongue--
sword of those past pain recruited
to join the monstrous ranks
of the life-feeders, the damning--
defense masks gashed souls,
turn about is fair play
in the war-games of the world.

Love--
bears all things (the anguish!)
endures all things (the ravage!)
hopes all things--impossible.

We the silent sufferers
absorb offensive defensiveness
of our sharper brethren,
confusing self with Cross.

~ARH, June 2008~

I have spent a great deal of time over the past year reflecting on pain, particularly on how easy it is to hurt others when we have been hurt. So often, pain generates more pain, just as sin tends to generate more sin, and evil more evil. In a world in which this vicious cycle often runs unchecked, what does it mean to love others? Does it mean simply suffering in silence, absorbing hurt without lashing out? No. This is a wrong definition of self-sacrifice. Christ is the one who absorbed our pain and sin, and who has conquered it. How do we seek justice for ourselves without wronging those who have wronged us, in our attitudes and words? We are never, ever utterly blameless; we are always both sinner and sinned against. What does it mean for us to live into the reality of the cross, to bring our hurts to the light, to others, and especially to God... redemptively?

Lord God, You alone are holy. Christ Jesus, You have borne our sins; You have suffered alongside us; You alone are the blameless one. Give us the grace to love those who have wronged us, even as we challenge the wrong-doing. Give us the ability to see the ways we contribute to the problems that bother us the most. Lord, use us in this pain-filled world to bear witness to your strong, unconditional, truth-filled love.

Above picture: 'Cross on Mt Erebus', URL: http://www.nzhistory.net.nz/media/photo/erebus-cross, (Ministry for Culture and Heritage), updated 15-Nov-2007

"Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans and exclude myself from the community of sinners."

Gotta love the Volf.

~Miroslav Volf, "Exclusion and Embrace: Theological Reflections in the Wake of 'Ethnic Cleansing,'" in A Spacious Heart: Essays on Identity and Belonging, 57.~

An Annotated Psalm

Psalm 63

1. You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you, [Yes, Lord, this is exactly where I am tonight]
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water. [Yes, Lord, I am so thirsty in this place]

2. I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory [Yes, Lord, thank you for the privilege of seeing you work at my church, of participating in your work there!]
3. Because your love is better than life
my lips will glorify you. [Wow, I can barely comprehend what that means - but it resonates within me! And yes, may it be!]
4. I will praise you as long as I live, [Yes, Lord, I will]
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods, [fully satisfied - wow, that's powerful]
with singing lips my mouth will praise you. [Yes, Lord - thank you for the joy of singing to you with all my might!]

6. On my bed I will remember you; [that's exactly what I'm doing right now]
I think of you through the watches of the night. [it amazes me when a Psalm hits so dead-on with where I'm at]
7. Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings. [Wow - I've never thought about this verse before - "singing" in the shadow of His wings - I bet that'll come to mind the next time I lead in worship]
8. I cling to you; [yes, Lord]
your right hand upholds me. [thank you, Lord!]

9. Those who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10. They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals. [Verses like these always remind me that the Psalms were NOT written just for my personal devotions.]

11. But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced. [Lord, even though these verses don't make me "feel" like I'm connecting with you in the same way so much of this Psalm does, I thank you for them. And I thank you that justice belongs to you, and that you watch over those who fear You. Help me live in such a way that I rejoice and glory and rest and work and trust in You!]

Collect

One of the best things about planning music for church is that I get a sneak preview of where the Lectionary will lead us each week. I find this week's Collect particularly powerful (from the BCP).

Almighty and everlasting God, you are always more ready to hear than we to pray, and to give more than we either desire or deserve: Pour upon us the abundance of your mercy, forgiving us those things of which our conscience is afraid, and giving us those good things for which we are not worthy to ask, except through the merits and mediation of Jesus Christ our Savior; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

The Lectionary Page

Liberty and Obedience

"Liberty without obedience is confusion, and obedience without liberty is slavery."

~ William Penn, quoted in Edwin Gaustad and Leigh Schmidt, The Religious History of America~

Pop vs. Soda

Ever been in a mini-argument about what to call a carbonated beverage? Ever noticed that the crazy term for it your friend uses seems directly linked to where he or she is from?

Well check out this link: The Pop Vs. Soda Map. Here's to all you CA soda drinkers!

Christian Dating Link

Oh, MY gosh. I can't believe this link is real. Ok, actually I can, but it still makes me feel like I either am going to be sick or laugh for days.

"Christians Learn the Art of Dating"

Apparently Christians increasingly are going to dating workshops these days to "improve their technique" by learning body language and Christian pick up lines. Ok, fine, some of these lines are funny (my favorite is "The name is Will. God's Will"). But seriously... am I really naïve, or is this just plain silly?!!

Two Meanderings

"Literal Translation"

חֶסֶד
Be it mercy
or lovingkindness
or longsuffering faithfulness
or dumping ice cold living water
into gaping whiny mouths wanting Egypt,
return to dust for heaven's honey bread?

Three letters etched in a people's soul,
Three letters capturing inexpressibility,
Three letters marking boundary
between howling winds of nothingness--
violent anti-everything,
expansive, but contained--
and rippling waves of prairie grass and a sky the size of Texas,
endless glittering ribbons caressing ocean's end,
the digits of pi,
the air at dusk, husky, golden--
solid ground fades and infinite beauty impossible expands
into a single chapter to Corinth
and a familiar radiant body.

ARH 7.17.08


"I, a Sinner"

Forgive it, Lord, that I should--no, do--
boast in my successes, petty and profound;
My personality, four capital letters
spelling out how I just am
(yeah, me and Gandhi!);
my intellect, best of friends,
barricade, companion, spectacles;
My weaknesses, or my gift for masking them--
faith in my weakness, idolatry!

The cross, the cross?
words fail.
boasting ceases.
silence.
weight.
my words must die.
Crucify!

ARH 7.2.07

Small Faithfulness

God hath been alwayes found true in his word, most faithfull in his promises. . . . If God promiseth that he will give his only Sonne, that whosoever beleeveth in him shall not perish, but have life everlasting: his Sonne Jesus Christ shal be borne into the world at the appointed time, and undergoe the weight of Gods [sic] wrath for redemption of beleevers. Shall God then faithfully performe all his promises in so great matters, and be unfaithfull in lesser matters: oh let no such base conceit of the Almightie enter into our minds, as to thinke that he that spared not his owne Sonne, to performe his promises to us, will be so unmindfull of us in so small a thing."
[Alexander Whitaker, "Good Newes from Virginia," in Keith J. Hardman, Issues in American Christianity: Primary Sources with Introductions (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1993), 18-19. Emphasis added.]

The last sentence of this quote astounded me! Although if you asked me, I would never have said that I believe God is only faithful in or cares only about the "big things," the things that really matter (like salvation), the strength of Whitaker's assertion struck me as the exact opposite of my own assumption. I never thought about this angle, that if God is able to be faithful in "big things," how much easier (so to speak) it is for Him to be faithful in small things! Somehow, I am both significant and small in the kingdom of God -- and that comforts me greatly.

In the Light

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..."

Some of you might be surprised that, in blatant defiance of all exegetical rules, I stopped in the middle of that verse (1 John 1:5-7). And yes, the words I left out, "and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin" are extremely important words! But tonight, those words, "we have fellowship with one another," hit me squarely in the middle of the forehead. If I hadn't been reclining already, I just might have fallen over!

If we are walking in the light, we have fellowship with one another. The only way our relationships are going to work is if we are walking in the light. Yes, wise counsel is good; yes, it is important to "work" on friendships and other relationships, but the bottom line is that if I am not walking in the light (as HE is in the light - yikes!), I will not be able to relate well with others. Quite the challenge: letting the light expose my darknesses and draw me forward to purer relationships. True, holy fellowship only comes through that light -- in all its dreadful purity and deadly perception.

Tasting Grace

I love attending a liturgical church. And I love receiving the Lord's Supper every week. That meaning of that ritual sinks deeper and deeper into my soul each time I come to the table, although I still feel that I understand what exactly happens in the Eucharist so little!

Today was one of those days that I felt like I really "got it" -- that just for a brief second, I understood the power of receiving the consecrated elements. It had been one of those Sunday mornings where the cares of the world just refused to stop following me around the sanctuary, bouncing on my shoulders and poking me in the mind so that it was hard for me to enter into worship, even while leading the music. But when it came time for me to receive the bread and wine up in front with the other musicians, something quietly extraordinary happened.

It was as if during the whole service up to that point, I had been seeing and moving through a viscous liquid that held me back, but when the bread was offered to me with the words "This is the body of Christ, the bread of heaven" and the priest's eyes looking directly into mine, suddenly the air around me was pure again. "Lord, I receive you -- all that you desire to give to me, all that is mine already in Christ -- Lord, heal me, strengthen my faith, fill me, thank you." The communion bread was sweet, soft, a slightly larger morsel than usual -- today, I could literally taste the Spirit speaking, "See? I do not skimp on the gifts I give to you. Taste my grace. You do not need to plead with me for crumbs. Receive my healing." And the communion wine, offered to me by the catechist, had never tasted so wonderful to me as it did today.

Truly, truly we sang, "Taste and see, taste and see the goodness of the Lord."

Growth Pains

All the thoughtful people I know tend to generate their brilliant thoughts under different conditions. For some, the shower is the place of epiphanies. For others, perhaps the library (although I'm not convinced). As for me, I tend to have major revelations while on walks or jogs. Somehow the combination of activity, music, and solitude just plain helps me think - and I highly recommend it!

Well on my walk today, I was visited by a metaphor, a metaphor that captures what I have been experiencing this summer: emotional chemotherapy. Sometimes our own "junk" surfaces in such a way that we see just how sick we have been. For me, this summer has proven to be a time of recognizing some things about myself that need to change in order for me to be healthy. Now the fixing of these things, the "treatment" has been pretty painful at times... at least within my own microcosm... and hence the chemotherapy metaphor. Sometimes becoming healthy requires a heck of a lot of pain or even just discomfort - but it is worlds better than embracing the cancer and feeling it strangle your body. Pain of personal growth, of old unhealthy things dying - now that's a pain that's worthwhile!

I am hoping that this round of treatments is almost over for me. But if this particular cancer remains hidden somewhere still in me, I will take my medicine with hope.

Watchful for the Muse

Whoa... I forgot I posted that last poem. Kinda intense, even for me... and I wrote it!

Well, as you might suspect from that last post, it's been a bit of a difficult summer for me. Lots I'm thinking through and sorting out, and some key areas in which I'm trying to grow. All that to say, I haven't found it easy to blog lately - but I'm hopeful that the Blogger's Muse will come to visit again soon.

condemnation-voices
generated by my brain.
emotions--mere chemicals
concentrated
diffused to poisonous
vapors in my mind--

cowering in this corner of my soul
i tremble, terrified
at the lashes i know
will fall
undeserved.
Scorn jabs at old wounds with pointed sticks
and smirks.

self must stand
up to the disembodied voices,
up in the undertow of scorn--
For no condemnation is there
in this river of grace,
no poison in this deep, deep cup,
No scorn from this Spirit invisible.
No condemnation--
hear, oh my soul--
for those in this Christ.

And I stand up in my soul to find
He is still with me.
I shall
not fear.

ARH 7/13/08 - Rom. 8

Thomas Merton's Prayer

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

From Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude," heard during sermon this morning, found online here.

Praying at the Pump

Yes, I believe God cares about the nitty-gritty details of our lives. Yes, I believe He is our provider and that His provision for us is seen in tangible, often startling ways, especially the more we learn to rely on Him and not on ourselves. So why does this strike me as so, so odd?

"As cars surged steadily down the road in Toledo, Ohio, a familiar melody rose from the circle of people gathered beside the gas pumps at the Exxon-Mobil station on the corner.

'He's got the gas prices, in his hands. He's got the gas prices, in his hands. . . ' "

That's right. Prayer walking around the pumps. Taking on the gas companies through prayer. Crazy? Radical faith? Well-intentioned but somewhat simplistic? It's pretty obvious that our current reliance on oil in the U.S. needs to change and that the gas prices are the most visible reminder of that, but I'm not sure that prayer without policy is the best plan of attack. A lack of faith on my part? Perhaps. Maybe I'm just reacting against the re-written praise chorus ...

[Note: I came across this online article via (surprise, surprise) TitusOneNine.]

GAFCON

Anglicanism has been all over the news this week due to the meetings occurring in Jerusalem known as GAFCON (Global Anglican Future Conference). Many see GAFCON as the conservative "alternate" to the Lambeth conference, the gathering of Anglican bishops from all over the world that occurs only every 10 years and will convene again this coming July.

A lot of controversy surrounds both conferences. The rumors swirl especially vigorously around GAFCON, for many suspect that the more conservative church leaders meeting in Jerusalem are determined to form another Anglican communion in protest against what conservatives see as the "wayward" beliefs and practices of large sections of the Western Anglican church (such as the Episcopal Church in the States).

Though the conflict over ordination of homosexual bishops in the Anglican church gets top billing in the news, the dividing issues in global Anglicanism are far deeper and more expansive than this one issue. Here's one helpful link that compares conservative and liberal views on a number of points: "Anglican Rift: Conservative v. Liberal."

NOTE: This link is from BBC News. It doesn't quite get at another, perhaps THE, core issue between liberals and conservatives in the Anglican church: the doctrine of Scripture, as well as the related issue of authority in the church. The two "sides" seem to take fundamentally different approaches to these central questions, which is more concerning to me than debates (though legitimate) over morality and who-should-be-ordained.

Another link: GAFCON photoblog (found it on TitusOneNine)

[Cartoon from http://www.standfirminfaith.com/index.php/site/article/9509/.]

Have YOU been left behind?

Man oh man, I'm speechless. Check out this link that I heard about on NPR -- apparently, the folks on this website figured out how to let you know if the Rapture has occurred without your knowledge, or how to reach out to your loved ones one last time if you are "raptured" and they are not. Unfortunately, it seems to be for real!

http://www.youvebeenleftbehind.com/

A Rough Sonnet . . . Almost.

A modicum of space amid the mess
of life's cruel jokes and winter's circumstance--
Reflections on a lake, though smooth as glass,
when winds rush in will twist, distort the true
depiction of the world, erase the clear
connection from the image to its mate.
No, stillness is what's needed for the eye
to gaze upon the lake and see the sky;
and solid truth will melt and disappear
when gales glaze the water, dark with fear.

~ARH 4/1/08~

Learning to Float

Holy, You are still holy, even when I don't understand Your ways. Holy, You are still holy, even when my circumstances don't change. (More Rita Springer...)

Immeasurable comfort -- that the God of the universe is in control. Even in the stereotypical-but-real waves of life -- the waves that crash suddenly on your head and flood your eyes and ears and nose with acrid salt water, or drag you under and into the ocean-swirls until you have no idea which way is up or down, or hurl you out onto the burning sand as you choke on bits of seaweed -- even then, I am not out of God's reach. Even then, I am in His charge; even then I can depend upon Him for what I need. How simple the truth! How hard the reality. How impossible it seems -- to cease my frantic struggle to control the waves and learn to float on the surface of the deep, upheld by the One to whom the waters are as solid ground!

Aaaaaannnnnd.... we're back!

Whew! Much has happened since my last post, in fact, so much that I don't know quite how to resume blogging! Since my last post, in no particular order, I have...

- Traveled to 3 new (to me, of course) countries, with an hour layover in a 4th
- Spent a week in a Tuscan hamlet
- Improved my German accent
- Climbed the leaning tower of Pisa
- Climbed up the Duomo in Florence
- Climbed up various other historic tall buildings ("we like to go up things...")
- Finished my third year in seminary
- Began an internship
- Completed my Starbucks training... again (not much has changed in a year)
- Acquired a yen for sparkling mineral water
- Been hampered by shyness... but not for long
- Decided on a thesis topic
- Spent hours of amusement dialoguing with a friend in a poor Ukrainian accent
- Stolen part of the Venice lagoon... ("in our pants")
- Formed a precious "attachment"
- Missed the first half of the "first dance" at a wedding reception, though technically seated in the same room
- Been introduced to patbingsu
- Spontaneously prayed with good friends for two hours
- Nearly been evacuated from my apartment at 1 a.m. because of CO levels
- Discovered that rain got hold of our itinerary... and used it against us
- Danced in the rain
- Gladly received new neighbors
- Said farewell to close friends
- Gained new appreciation for the Doxology
- Continued to overuse ellipses...
- Endless etceteras

Perhaps every month could generate such a list for each of us. Life is rich - and certainly quirky at times! As the rhythm of summer begins, I can't help but wonder: what will the next month bring?

This is why I love/hate emotions

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted, and I would love to make my first post in the month of May appropriately profound. However, after a few weeks of thinking too much, stressing an appropriate amount, and spending lots of time with people, I have few profundities left. Plus, to complicate the matter, I seem to be feeling a wide spectrum of emotions, and we all know how much I looooove emotions...

Currently Feeling:

- Tired: man, what a push! Didn't know I had it in me.
- Relief: semester is over
- Excitement: Tuscany!
- Disappointment: my secret...
- Letdown: after the major push
- Adrenalin: left from the major push
- Anticipation: summer!!
- Love: for community
- Concern: for a friend
- Hurt: combination
- Poignancy: the end of the school year is bittersweet
- Sadness: friends are graduating
- Hope: Spring is here, peace is in the air
- Content: now I can read whatever I want. And spend time outside.
- Guilty: I haven't connected with God as much lately
- Frightened: I can't stretch out my MDiv much longer... and what comes next?

Yet, overall:
- Ridiculously happy. Growing closer with good friends. Finding my niche. Enjoying learning once more. Nice weather. Awesome church. Enjoyable work ahead for summer. Life can be painful, but it is so, so true that God is good.

So I beg your forgiveness for the self-indulgent post. Silly emotions. They cause such drama!

Stephen Colbert on Global Food Crisis

I ran across this video on a food blog I occasionally visit. If Stephen Colbert is reporting on it, it MUST be important!

Food Crisis

Lately I've been trying to stay at least slightly more informed about what's going on in the world, thanks to the handy-dandy Google Reader. Hooray, a new distraction on the internets! Just what my studies need...

Anyway, I have noticed an alarming motif in world news: high food prices, leading to food shortages and domestic unrest. A search for "food" in the BBC headlines for the past couple of weeks reveals the following:

• "France to double food aid budget" for poor countries b/c of rising prices (4/18)
  
• "South Africans march over food prices" (4/17)
• "EU warns against food export bans" - warning food producers "not to restrict exports because of rising prices" (4/17)
• "North Korea 'faces food crisis'" (4/16)
• "Steep rise in Chinese food prices" - up 21% this year (4/16)
• In Afghanistan, poor families are "marrying off their girls for food" (4/15)
• "Bangladesh faces growing queues as food prices soar" (4/10)
• "Hungry mob attacks Haiti palace" - "in protest at rising food prices" (4/8)

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I haven't even mentioned the articles on some of the possible reasons for what might be the beginnings of a global food crisis, as voices debate the controversial issue of increased production of biofuels and cry for fundamental changes in the global food system as a whole.

What response should we give? Prayer, yes; increased awareness, yes - but this does not seem enough. But as Christians, is this enough?

How Long

This heaviness upon my soul--
absorbed
original

echoes of the martyrs' blood-stained voices
groaning bodiless for justice.

These cries belie the promise of spring--
autumn leaves pressed by winter's heavy hand
losing themselves
resurrected in flowerbeds.

Where are the daffodils?
How long
oh Lord?

~ARH, 04.18.08~

Fragment of the Day

(Rough, I know. Grace, I ask.)

So here I am again
before this tree.
I thought I'd come so far
I had no need
for thorny crown
and scarlet cloak--
my travels started at this very place
so long ago,
so long ago.

World's wisdom taught me
I had far to go
before I earned my rest.
But fleeting miles, passing years,
lingering fears, lasting tears
bring me once again before your throne.
Your cross.
Altered yet unchanged in my need for
Your tree.
My rest.

~ARH 03.08~

A Prayer for the New Day

Lord God, Father of Light,

In the newness of this day, when all things are refreshed by your sustaining grace, we repent of the darknesses to which we cling. Forgive us, Lord, for continually turning to our own power and calling it Your work. Let Your light penetrate our bodies and our souls, and give us the strength to face our sins and even our finitude head-on. Forgive us for fearfully hiding our brokenness beneath the mask of competence. Teach us, Holy Father, to approach You and one another without pretense.

Lord, we desire to serve You, but too often our desire to serve becomes simply the "order of the day," and we fall into the trap of normalcy, straying far from the foot of the cross. Show us our need to return to You in humility each day. Have mercy on Your leaders, oh Lord. Protect Your people from the blindnesses of those who serve. Lord Christ, who by the Spirit opened the eyes of those whom You met on the Road to Emmaus, open our eyes as well, we pray: that we may see the error of our ways in the piercing, healing light of Your Presence.

~Caravaggio, The Supper in Emmaus, 1602~

Feast of John Donne

I am still an English major at heart. So, when I was skimming TitusOneNine today, I was delighted to discover that Anglicans celebrate the Feast of John Donne! Although the official day for this year's celebration is past (March 31), in honor of a faithful churchman and excellent poet:

Holy Sonnet I

Thou hast made me, and shall thy work decay?
Repair me now, for now mine end doth haste;
I run to death, and death meets me as fast,
And all my pleasures are like yesterday.
I dare not move my dim eyes any way,
Despair behind, and death before doth cast
Such terror, and my feeble flesh doth waste
By sin in it, which it towards hell doth weigh.
Only thou art above, and when towards thee
By thy leave I can look, I rise again;
But our old subtle foe so tempteth me
That not one hour myself I can sustain.
Thy grace may wing me to prevent his art,
And thou like adamant draw mine iron heart.

~John Donne~

Freedom!

No, this is not a post about Braveheart. Ok, now that I've effectively separated the wheat from the chaff...

In the States, "freedom" is a big deal. I mean, seriously, how much more "American" can you get? Red-white-and-blue + open space + apple pie = America = the cult of freedom. 20 different kinds of peanut butter + consumerism + "your way right away" = freedom to choose exactly what your heart desires. That's the thing: here in the States, we often interpret "freedom" as freedom of self-determination; freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want; freedom not to be bound by anything other than the whims of the present moment.

So what do we do when we hear a statement such as, "it is for freedom that Christ has set us free"? As Christians, perhaps we envision a life free from sin's shackles--but even this is a negative vision. It's a bit passé to talk of freedom "from" vs. freedom "for," but I couldn't help but take a second glance at these words in Thomas Schreiner's books on Pauline theology:

"[Paul] understands freedom from law as freedom from the old era of salvation history, for to be under law is to be under the power of sin (Gal 5:18). The outpouring of the Spirit signals the commencement of the new era in redemptive history, and freedom involves the ability to practice love (Gal 5:13-15)." (Thomas Schreiner, Paul: Apostle of God's Glory in Christ, p. 263. Emphasis added.)

Wow! Freedom to practice love! Now that I can wrap my mind around. The freedom to relate to others in a loving way, all the time, no matter how cantankerous the other person (or I!) might be, no matter the baggage between us, no matter if that person is George Bush, or someone dying of AIDS, or Paris Hilton, or simply my next door neighbor. The freedom to love... mind-boggling.

Blackened White, Reddened Gold

Warning: this will not be a typical "Easter" post. This year, when I encounter the empty tomb, I have no words. No profound thoughts. I feel as though I am a disciple who arrived to the tomb after Jesus had already left to appear to others - I know that he is risen, but the reality spills over me without sinking in, as if I were baked clay, unable to absorb the living water. I did celebrate with my whole being at the Easter Vigil (glorious time!) and on Resurrection Morning, and for a time I experienced that deep joy, but all too soon life's realities crashed down upon my joy.

I shout Alleluia with tears of joy and sorrow.

Call me a kill-joy, but I cannot pretend that the Resurrection, this side of the eschaton, erases pain. Indeed, I should not! Yes, we must celebrate; yes, we are called to be a joyful people, filled with gratitude and excitement as we live into the reality of the risen Christ -- but the blinding white of our celebration in this life is always, always, always streaked black by our sin, riddled red by our suffering. And for now, that is the way it must be.

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory.' 'O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (1 Cor 15:54).

Speeding toward the cross...

"Pilate"

Clamoring Jewish rabble!
The snarled mob tangles dirty streets
with churning limbs and fists flung high at
Him?
He reminds me of my brother—except
ratted hair, matted beard, tattered robe
gaping crimson like woven grapes.
Routine, really—third one this week;
standard questions, nonsense answers,
red tape tied in bureaucratic knots,
But the masses bellow.
Look at them!
Legion dagger-eyes unsheathed in hate for—
Love?
Foolishness.
You could have, should have
played the game, worked the system—
but this?
Blame on the blameless?
No! Blame yourself—stubborn, stupid
silence
So be it. Take your royal silence to your royal
tomb.

~ARH 5/3/02~

"Progress"

Progress--
like the glacier's inching stride
unnoticed;
the stealthy sunlight of a dwindling day;
one click quicker on the metronome,
or two;
a scar where the wound was new.
A day without tears,
a deeper breath;
a backward glance at the Valley of Death.

~ARH, 3/16/08~

Prayer for Gramps

Some of you know that my grandpa fell and broke his hip the other day. I just learned that he is going in for surgery this morning (surgery was originally postponed because of his age). I would appreciate your prayers for him, as well as for my dad, who is leaving today for a choir tour in San Francisco and, thus, will be unable to be with Grandpa this weekend.
Guess which one is Grandpa? Hint: I am NOT my own grandpa . . . and neither is my bro.

"More than just the passive suffering of an innocent person, the passion of Christ is the agony of a tortured soul and wrecked body offered as a prayer for the forgiveness of the torturers. No doubt, such prayer adds to the agony of the passion. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer saw clearly, forgiveness itself is a form of suffering . . . ; when I forgive I have not only suffered a violation but also suppressed the rightful claims of strict restitutive justice. Under the foot of the cross we learn, however, that in a world of irreversible deeds and partisan judgments redemption from the passive suffering of victimization cannot happen without the active suffering of forgiveness." (Volf, Exclusion and Embrace, 125)

"The active suffering of forgiveness" - I think this is deeply true. How hard it is at times to give up our desires for vengeance, making the other feel pain as we have felt, or even for visible justice, seeing the other punished for wrongs done to us. But there are times when justice here on earth is not possible. This doesn't give us an excuse to pardon injustice, but we must also recognize that our own puny ideas of what justice looks like are not equivalent to God's justice. Is it possible to forgive those who do not even acknowledge they have done wrong, who on the contrary are deeply convinced that they are the victims? I think it is, but it is only possible in Christ.

"When one knows that the torturer will not eternally triumph over the victim . . . , one is free to rediscover that person's humanity and imitate God's love for him [sic]. And when one knows that God's love is greater than all sin, one is free to see oneself in the light of God's justice and so rediscover one's own sinfulness." (124)

That's exactly the point - none of us are fully innocent. Ever. Once again, this does not excuse injustice, but it also should relativize our "righteous indignation." I am never in a position to judge and condemn another, for we are all equal as we fall at the foot of the cross. Handing over my demand for justice to the One who is completely Just, completely Loving -- this is the painful power of forgiveness.

Brief Thought for the Day

"The distance [from our own cultures] forged by the Spirit of new creation . . . entails a judgment against evil in every culture. . . . The judgment must begin, however, 'with the household of God' (1 Peter 4:17)--with the self and its own culture. . . . Similarly, those who seek to overcome evil must fight it first of all in their own selves."

~Miroslav Volf, Exclusion and Embrace (52)

As I was reading today, this quote particularly captured my attention. First, I appreciated that Volf was able to affirm that Christians are called to be BOTH drastically accepting of others (the Holy Spirit "creates space in us to receive the other" - 51) AND holding onto moral judgments of right and wrong. Most of us seem to deemphasize one or the other, but both together are Christian.

Second, the biblical statement, "judgment begins with the household of God" hit me powerfully. Do we take this seriously? Yes, we preach piety and moral values, but do we really engage in the hard work it takes to root out deep seated evils from ourselves and our communities? Do we preach at those who lack the Spirit, condemning them for their "evil ways," while we who have surrendered to the Spirit's claims walk blindly in the darkness? I fear that too many in American churches have a "form of godliness" while denying its power. . .

What do you think?

Mingled Waters

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall see God."

There is a deep brokenness to life. Some days I know it more than others. Some days I feel the Fall like a dull ache, a heaviness upon my chest. Some days, I find it easy to mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep, because my whole being is tuned to that inexpressible groaning of creation and our common longing to be whole again.

Today was one of those days. Heavy thoughts and conversations from the past few days sunk into my body overnight, and I woke with grief. With awareness of my own sins and failures as well as awareness of the tragic gaps between us and others, some of our own making, some that just . . . appear. I came to church dwelling very much in Lent.

At church, music rehearsal was dominated by the absence of our sound technician and corresponding problems, particularly since we use an electric keyboard rather than an actual piano. No sound = no keyboard. I was actually expecting a few snafoos during the morning, since our pastor was out of town, so I wasn't surprised. We never actually accomplished a full sound check, so when the service began, it was difficult for us musicians to hear one another -- Muffled notes in the sanctuary, my own voice and the rhythms of guitar close by.

The confirmation class that met before the service lasted until about 3 minutes before the service begins, making me antsy about getting upstairs and preparing to begin.

With a visiting preacher often comes a few other bumps in the liturgical road. Today, the pastor accidentally prepared a sermon from 2 Samuel 16 rather than 1 Samuel 16, so that the Old Testament reading that appeared in the bulletin did not match the sermon.

Somehow the third verse of the closing song did not get printed in the bulletin, so Elisa and I sang an inadvertent duet.

Why this litany of "failures" during corporate worship? Because despite these glitches, God made His presence known. Despite the poor monitor levels, the congregation was engaged in singing. Despite the Samuel mix-up, God's word was preached in power. Just as God worked in the service in spite of our human errors, so God works in us in the midst of our brokenness.

There is always a brokenness inherent in anything we do in this life, whether we are aware of it or not. In times when things run smoothly, it is easy for pride to take us captive so that we congratulate ourselves on our own competence, whether in our "excellent worship," or the "practical wisdom" we graciously extend to our friends, or our superior business sense, or our self-awareness ("why can't others simply be considerate like me?").

Pride does not lean on God's grace. For this is what makes me thankful for the days in which I dwell in brokenness: the deeper my sense of the brokenness, the greater my sense of God's grace. God has not abandoned us to brokenness. God does not disregard our pain, our failed relationships, our damaged emotions, our deluded thoughts. There is healing, joy that we only experience to the extent to which we have known the pain. Without brokenness, we would not see the radiance of redemption.

There is an undercurrent of deep sadness in life, but that mournful stream empties out into the vast, broad, deep, wide River of Life. Right now, the two streams are mingled, and as I drink from the river, I must taste both bitter and sweet.
But someday, ahh! someday . . .

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

Bandwagoning

I have recently begun to follow a couple of blogs/news sites giving updates on global Anglicanism. My favorite site posted some great quotes yesterday, which I thought I would pass along here.

First, a couple of quotes from leaders in the Episcopal church who are trying desperately to keep conservatives from leaving the mainline fold:

"I am very struck by our failure to communicate."
--Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori to clergy of the diocese of South Carolina

This cracks me up! Understatement of the year award slash missing the point entirely!

Meanwhile, in Kentucky...

" 'We're having a family argument,' said [Rev. Katherine] Grieb, a Virginia Theological Seminary biblical scholar and a member of a team drafting a 'covenant' to hold together the Anglican Communion, which consists of the Episcopal Church and other national churches descended from the Church of England.

'There never was a golden age when everybody in the church agreed about everything,' she said at the gathering at St. Peter's Episcopal Church in southwestern Jefferson County."

Ok, true, but as Rev. Canon Dr. Kendall Harmon (the man behind my favorite Anglican site) responds:

"It is so very sad to see a ...[Church leader] once again parlaying the ECUSA hierarchy’s offical party line which is: to be Episcopal means to agree to disagree agreeably, we have been through struggles before, and this is yet another struggle through which the church will find her way.

The problem is the hidden theological assumption here that all theological differences are the same. They are NOT."

So true, so true. As Bishop Rogers emphasized at Winter Conference, unity comes through true doctrine, NOT through institutional bonds.

One more quote, this time from the BCP. Apparently yesterday was the Feast of St. Matthias, so although this is a day late, I thought it was worth sharing:

Almighty God, who in the place of Judas chose your faithful servant Matthias to be numbered among the Twelve: Grant that your Church, being delivered from false apostles, may always be guided and governed by faithful and true pastors; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Amen indeed.

Check it out: TitusOneNine

Gimme that Old-time Angst

Today, as part of a class assignment, I got out a couple of journals from my undergrad days. For those of you who journal, you know how startling it can be to look back at what you wrote, to go back in time and re-live formative moments, to feel strong emotions pass through you like ghosts, not-to-be-ignored.

Before this morning, it had been awhile since I'd opened these journals, written primarily as part of my "quiet times" in undergrad, beginning my sophomore year. I tend to idolize that time in my life as the season in which I was most disciplined, most faithful to God in my personal life , and growing the most in faith. Since graduating from Wheaton, my memories of those years have haunted me, a reminder that at one time I was more disciplined, more faithful... and more in God's favor than I am now. Twisted belief, I know, but deeply rooted.

But I had forgotten how much angst filled those years. Browsing through my journals this morning, I was shocked to look at my soul and see desperate striving rather than deep confidence in God's grace. Now, I am aware that living in Grace is a fundamental struggle for me, but I had forgotten how much I was trapped in despair, striving, and guilt during those years I have idolized. I confess, I feel a bit shaken! I know I've said it before, but I am glad it is Lent - I suspect I have some idols of which to repent.

As I was reading my journals, I came across an overlooked angsty poem (not even sure it could be called a poem - maybe a poetic fragment). It's a bit rough, but I'd like to share it anyway.

Father, where is the prayer I know should be
Subsuming me, consuming me
like that old burning bush?
Is this word a prayer?
or just me, communing with my ache,
hollow poetry -- self-cannibalism,
self-starvation?
Give me those prayer lenses and
the frame of Your Son--
The new perspective for the new creation.

God's grace -- great mystery.

Distractions du Jour

Ah, the life of a student. It might well be described as a microcosm of the ethical life: perpetual conflict between what one should do and what one wants to do. Some distractions never fail me; others take me by surprise.

Distractions, Tried and True

• The wonders of the "Internets"
• Facebook in particular
  
• Checking e-mail compulsively
  
• Random acts of cleaning
• My wandering thoughts
• Making "to do" lists
• Filling up "to do" lists with things I've finished, just so I can cross something off the list
• Acts of grooming
• Consuming beverage of choice

Distractions, In with the New

• This blog
  
• Food blogs
• Word games online
• Cursing the blasted temperature
• Organizing e-mail
• Facebook (yes, I listed it twice - with all the darned apps., there's always something new)
  
• Headlines of the day (Firefox, let me count the ways...)
  
• Checking class syllabi out of paranoia I'm missing something
  
• iTunes!!!!!!
• Tivo, glorious Tivo
  
• Spontaneous sing-alongs (ok, maybe also not quite new, but shall we say rediscovered?)
• Etc., etc., etc. (a la The King and I)

As I have been known to say from time to time, "Homework, like the poor, is always with us."

"The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering."

~Peter Scazzero (153), quoting Gerald Sittzer's A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss~

Reluctant Emoter(s)

Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me: 'Why were you not Moses?' They will ask me, 'Why were you not Zusya?'" The true vocation for every human being is, as Kierkegaard said, "the will to be oneself." ~Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Church, p. 141.

As some of you may know, I describe myself as a "reluctant feeler." When I first took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter in seminary (yes, I am more-than-slightly obsessed with those four mystical letters, but that's another story), I was devastated when the test told me I am an "F," not a "T." In my mind, "F's" were weak, captive to each and every wave of emotion, certainly not qualified to study academic theology in the highest echelons of the British educational system. I wanted to be a "T," one of those dashing intellectuals, firing off spontaneous brilliances with perfect logic. I clung to the rationality and academic prowess I was proud to have built over the course of my up-teen years in school.

But God has shattered that false self-identity. By drawing me into an actual community, teaching me to pour into and draw deep from other people rather than hide beneath the brittle shell of books, studies, fear, shame, and deep loneliness, God has forced me to come to terms with my own inwardness. My fears of captivity to every emotional whim have not materialized, but I have begun to trust my emotions to tell me about reality--a different sort of reality than my intellectual synapses validate, perhaps, but reality nonetheless. Funny--my head knows that as whole people, permeated by Incarnation, our emotions are no less important than our cognition, but in practice I too often live entrapped in the Enlightenment, crowning rationality as the prince of all faculties.

Too often, I suspect, the church does the same. Too often, the church surrenders concern for engaging emotion to a few (charismatic?) denominations rather than seeking the healing, redeeming power of Christ for our emotions as part of our lives. For one of my classes, I am reading The Emotionally Healthy Church, by Peter Scazzero, and I can already tell that this book is going to affect me deeply. Scazzero argues that one of the primary reasons the church in the U.S. is in such dire straits is because we neglect to teach people how to mature emotionally as a necessary part of spiritual maturity. Right now, I can barely begin to process such an idea. But if my own experience is any indication--emotional and spiritual deepening blossoming as two roses on one prickly stem--beware, church! Emotions will out.

Interested in learning more about Peter Scazzero's ministery? Check out http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/.

Maelstrom

"Holy, You are still holy,
even when the darkness surrounds my life.
Sovereign, You are still sovereign,
even when confusion has blinded my eyes."

At first, I didn't care for this song by Rita Springer ("You Are Still Holy"). The sound of the song isn't exactly beautiful, at least conventionally so. Rita Springer's voice took some "getting used to" on my part. But when our worship team first began to use this song about a year ago, the lyrics took root deep inside me during a dark time in my life. Now, I think it is one of the most profound worship songs I know.

We all go through times in which our thoughts trap us in whirlpools large and small. When confusion replaces clarity, and we lose our way in a multiplicity of perspectives on one concrete situation. When we are in the eye of the tornado, terrified by the shrieking winds that threaten to tear us away, tear us apart, at any moment. In the midst of the horror, the confusion, the mistakes, the misperceptions, the despair, the defeat, God is sovereign. In the midst of multiplicity, God is One. In the midst of loneliness, God is Trinity, Love itself.

When my mind spins so fast that I am too dizzy to center myself and pray, there is One who prays on my behalf. When I am too confused to feel, to process, to ask, He calls. He calms. He loves. He provides.

"Lord, I don't deserve Your tender patience
when my unbelief has kept me from your touch.
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You."

Lord, have mercy on this poor sinner.

http://www.ritaspringer.com/

SAD

I think I must have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Too much snow. Down day - too depressed to go to class. Class canceled anyway because of the massive amount of snow that is still coming down. Not sure what my problem is. Looking forward to Ash Wednesday service tonight. Should've paid more attention to Groundhog's Day.

Impetus(es) for Crankiness

I hate being cranky. As of yesterday, I have officially decided that I would rather be weepy than cranky (apparently, in my current circle of friends, these are the two most viable emotional options), and I have been cranky for, oh, about 4 days now. @#$(*&!!

Contributing factors to current crankiness:

• Winter storms every other flipping day.
• A car with only one working headlight
• Lack of exercise
• Frustration with current internship
• Ever-present homework
• Realization that only God can heal other people
  
• Messy bedroom
• Resentment of my need for sleep. period.
• Frustration with my own laziness
• Trash needing to be taken out. Again.
• My obsession with sugar.
• Life's annoying details. Like money.
• My own crankiness!
  

Well, cathartic as such a list can be, I'm still cranky. But Lent is coming. As funny as it sounds, I absolutely love Lent! It's amazing how junk builds up in my life over the course of a year (or a month, or a day), and I love this season of the church year -- a time to regain focus, to repent, to be cleansed more deeply, to meditate, to bring my frustrations and despair to the Lord.

Two (cranky days) left before Ash Wednesday...

Winds of the Ancient-Future

I just returned from a few unexpected days in Dallas for the Winter Conference of my denomination, the Anglican Mission in the Americas. While I had a wonderful time, I can tell it's going to take me awhile to fully digest the experience. So a few preliminary comments:


1) Ohhh, Dallas. Ohhh, Texas. Ohhh, memories of my days in the SBC... Enough said.


2) The unexpected:

(a) So much gray hair. Since the AMiA churches in which I have been involved have been largely powered by students coming out of more typical evangelical church backgrounds, I was taken aback by the number of older people involved in the convention, many of whom had been staunch members of the Episcopal church for years and years. These are the people who stood by their convictions and took action - it takes a lot of courage to leave family, friends, social ties, and beautiful buildings in search of orthodoxy.

(b) So many southern accents. Granted, you would think that the fact the conference was being held in Dallas would have tipped me off... but who knew that and Anglican denomination had so
many southern roots (apart from the Global South, that is)?

(c) Twinges of evangelical bland. Now, forgive me, but I am mightily prejudiced when it comes to worship styles - an unfortunate side-effect of co-leading worship at my own church and experiencing worship that reaches me as worship in "typical" evangelical churches rarely can. Since my own experience of worship in AMiA churches (here, I am thinking particularly, though not accurate theologically speaking, of music) has been extra-ordinary, I was not expecting the corporate worship at the conference to feel more "EFCA" than AMiA. Like I said, non-judging me is surprisingly opinionated when it comes to worship...

(d) Small fish, bigger pond. At the conference, I realized that I am not used to feeling overlooked as a Christian. In my own circles, right now I am a person that most everybody knows and respects; and it was a shock to go to conference and realize that most everybody there would probably look at me and see a young, short blond-ish girl, never expecting her to show signs of intellectual, spiritual, even emotional depth. It was good for me to swim in a bigger pond for awhile and to remember that God has given me a ministry that matters, and this is a wonderful thing!, but he has also called many, many people to bigger things than I can even imagine. Ah, that devious, creeping pride...

3) The narrow view:

(a) Good roommate times. One of my roommates was also at the conference, and we had an awesome time together of discussion, fun, and observation of awkwardness. It was one of those special times of getting to know a good friend even better and being privileged to see inner beauty and be affirmed in return. Plus, we got to, umm, imbibe (ah, the goodness of the Scotch!) with the rest of the staff at a "family establishment" called the Idle Rich. And, we got to see Juno after my bedtime.

(b) Personal clarity. In recent months, I have been wrestling with issues of calling and vocation. After being at conference, I am 99% sure that I am called to stay at Redeemer until "further notice." I long to dive into ministry, pour into people, learn to build a community; I see God working in my life and in my church, and I cannot walk away from that. PhD? Someday, perhaps, but in the meantime I believe I am ready (and called, and placed in my communities specifically) for action!

(c) Denominational clarity. I finally have a decent sense of what AMiA is, and what it means to be Anglican. If anyone is interested, I am more than happy to post Bishop John Roger's excellent synthesis of Anglicanism. After hearing him speak in a workshop, I realized that yes, I am Anglican! Good thing...

4) The far-beyond myself:

(a) Rwanda. I love, love, love the fact that we are under the authority of the bishops of Rwanda. I loved, loved, loved seeing and hearing from the bishops at the conference, especially in the final consecration ceremony when all the bishops were gathered on stage, lined up in a row as they laid hands on the new bishops, a brilliant wall of red in their vestments. I love the justice of Americans finally recognizing the value, indeed in many ways the greater spiritual maturity of Global Christianity.

(b) God at work. After being at the conference, I am absolutely convinced that AMiA is God's project. I believe that we are in the middle of something big, something exciting, something utterly of the Spirit. Now, I tend to be cautious when I feel this way, since I never want to confuse my own intuition with recognition prompted by the Spirit, but at this point I can see the vision of AMiA, the commitment of the AMiA leaders, and the unique combination of factors that is fundamental to AMiA, and it leaves me breathless with gratitude that the Lord has allowed me to be a part of His work. I can't explain it fully -- I just watch, wait, respond, and pray.

Pray for AMiA. Pray for the church in America. Pray for revival from the Spirit. Pray for faithful leaders. Watch and pray, watch and pray.

BTW: the photos above are from an online article about the conference, by David W. Virtue. Check it out at http://www.virtueonline.org/portal/modules/news/article.php?storyid=7561