Great, great article by Mark Galli at Christianity Today:

How to Have a Merry Christmas: And It Doesn't Require You Doing Another Blessed Thing

Galli points out how religion becomes oppressive when it is about "doing, doing, doing" (more manageable) rather than about love for God (more mysterious). Enjoy!

Ordination Application Station

I'm finally picking up my ordination application again. Three out of eight "discussion" questions done. I really, really hate writing applications.

Keeping the end goal in mind, keeping the end goal in mind...

The Prophet's Woe

Wrote this recently -- not sure exactly when. It reflects part of my own struggle to trust God and love people in the midst of doing "ministry."


I know the prophet's woe--
frustration that God's people
do not, cannot, will not see
their blindness,
will not quench
their thirst except with cola,
their hunger but with chips and candy;
they wonder why they grow obese
but waste away inside.

The prophet's tears--
frustration that the people blame
God's servants, clamor
More More More
when all God's gifts are in their midst
and in their power--
petulant, they sneer
"You're not enough for us"
when they are God's provision.

The prophet's brethren--
God's own servants-- lose the will
to stand upright, to fight
the people's clamor and resist
demands of consumption
subsuming worship--
then the prophet stands alone.

Link to my sermon

In case anyone is interested, here's a link to the sermon I recently gave:

Thanksgiving Day sermon

Will this be me in 40 years?

So I'm preaching today -- T-minus 2 hours and counting.

This will be the first time I have ever preached for a church, preached for anyone outside of an artificial "preaching lab" setting. In some ways, I'm less nervous since I'm not preaching for a grade! Seminarians are often the harshest critics when it comes to sermons...

That being said, I'm still nervous -- especially because I'm supposed to limit the sermon to 15 minutes, tops. Since I hate practicing sermons, I haven't read it out loud, so I actually have no idea how long it will turn out to be... I suspect it's too long. That probably means I will end up talking too fast, as I usually do. :)

However, fundamentally I'm excited! I get to preach! Plus, my family's here to celebrate Thanksgiving with me and the in-laws to be (!), so my family will be in the congregation to hear my very first sermon. I've already decided that my sermon won't be "perfect," and it's certainly not your typical "three points and poem" sermon (since I'm NOT a linear thinking type of person...), but I'm still excited.

The process of writing the sermon has been quite freeing, actually. A lot of the ground work for my sermon was handed to me, because it "just so happens" that the lectionary passages for the day include TWO -- that's right, not just one, but TWO -- passages that I have already studied in depth recently. I taught on the Gospel passage in our Sunday School a few weeks ago, and the Psalm for the day is the exact Psalm on which I preached last Spring for a seminary class. Oh that God... It feels like He's smiling on me in this process.

In fact, this sermon is part and parcel with much of what God is teaching me right now: trust in Him and not in myself. I've had the strangest sense of peace (well, most of the time) as I've prepared for this sermon, and it's not because I've spent billions of hours preparing (I haven't). But for some reason, I have been able to trust God with this sermon. And that's pretty darn cool.

On my own, I'm not capable of this type of trust. So.... thanks be to God for His care for me!

He must increase; I must decrease

Ministry has quite a learning curve. We can read books about ministry, talk about ministry, think we know how to "do" ministry, but when we enter into ministry, sometimes the reality is much different than we expected. We learn that what pleases God is often different than what would please us. We learn that God often moves much more slowly than we wish He would (and think He should).

For me, one of the biggest battles in the first months of my ministry has been an internal battle, the battle between "being" a minister and "doing" ministry. I tend to be a "doer," someone who measure my success in terms of what I do: keeping up with emails, taking the initiative to meet with people, going to the prayer services, leading the small group, supporting my fellow staff members, etc., etc.

However, ministry is about more than just doing: ministry is about being. It's easy to "do" out of our own strength and talents, but it is impossible to fully "be" without reliance on the Spirit. And "being" requires taking time to not "do" -- to engage in contemplation rather than action, to rest and spend time with others, and above all, to recognize that GOD is the one who truly "does" His work, not me. If I can't take time to simply be because I am afraid to cease my doing, I have a problem: I'm putting myself in the place of God.

Consider John 3:27-30 (which is a great passage for lectio divina, by the way). In the context of this passage, the disciples of John the Baptist come to him, alarmed at the way the crowds have transferred their attention from John to Jesus. In response, John says:

A person can receive only what is given from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, "I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him." The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less.

John recognizes that his role is much, much different than that of Jesus. He could have chosen to be jealous of Jesus and to act as Jesus' rival. But John knows that the "bride" -- the people of God -- belongs to the "bridegroom," to Jesus Himself.

The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The Church belongs to Christ. Not to me. I have a responsibility to serve the church, but ultimately I must remember that God is the one who brings about His kingdom. THAT is why I can rest without fear. THAT is why I can choose to "be," rather than "do," humbly accepting my human limitations and trusting that God works even when I do not. My "doing" far too easily becomes a way to try to make myself greater, but in resting, in simply "being," I learn to trust in God's power to accomplish His own purposes, and to listen and discern my place in the midst of His plan rather than assuming that I already know what I ought to do.

He must increase; I must decrease. Simple. Difficult. Essential in ministry. I suspect that as I learn to be a minister of the Lord, I will experience more of the joy John mentions -- the joy of hearing God's voice and seeing Him at work. May it be.

"Prayer when words won't come"

Wow... I just ran across this quote, and it really resonated with me -- particularly the last sentence:

Oh my Father, I have moments of deep unrest--moments when I know not what to ask by reason of the very excess of my wants. I have in these hours no words for Thee, no conscious prayers for Thee. My cry seems purely worldly; I want only the wings of a dove that I may flee away. Yet all the time Thou hast accepted my unrest as a prayer. Thou hast interpreted its cry for a dove's wings as a cry for Thee. Thou hast received the nameless longings of my heart as the intercessions of Thy Spirit. They are not yet the intercessions of my spirit; I know not what to ask. But Thou knowest what I ask, O my God. Thou knowest the name of that need which lies beneath my speechless groan. . . . Thou knowest that because I am made in Thine image I can find rest only in what gives rest to Thee; therefore Thou hast counted my unrest unto me for righteousness, and has called my groaning Thy Spirit's prayer.

~ George Matheson, in Mosaic Holy Bible, 179 ~

I am a person who has trouble resting, who indeed fears resting lest I fail to "keep up" with my relationships and responsibilities. I love the thought that because I am made in the image of God, I can find true rest only in the things that please God. This gives me hope that in seeking rest, I am not lazy or irresponsible, for in seeking rest, I am seeking God and His righteousness. In seeking rest, I am seeking godly being.

Scary, but worth it (or so I am told...).

The number one enemy of Christian spiritual formation today is exhaustion. We are living beyond our means, both financially and physically... According to numerous studies, the average person needs approximately eight hours of sleep in order to maintain health. This tells me that God has designed humanity to spend nearly one-third of our lives sleeping. This is a stunning thought. We were made to spend a large portion of our existence essentially doing nothing...

Sleep is a perfect example of the combination of discipline and grace. You cannot make yourself sleep. You cannot force your body to sleep. Sleep is an act of surrender. It is a declaration of trust. It is admitting that we are not God (who never sleeps), and that is good news.

~The Good and Beautiful God, 32 & 34~

What do you say when words are not enough?

I imagine all of us have been in situations where the answers we've been given to life's tough questions simply aren't sufficient. Sometimes the truths we know, the truths we cling to -- like the fact that God is completely good, and faithful, and loving, the fact that He provides for our every need -- seem ludicrous.

I spent some time yesterday sitting with a couple who are facing a really, really difficult scenario -- the type of scenario that could completely destroy their hopes and plans. When I received the woman's phone call and decided to drop what I was doing and go be with her and her husband, I realized that I would be walking into a situation for which I was ill-prepared -- at least, for which I didn't have answers. Being in ministry, I suspect that this won't be the last time that happens...

So what do you do when you don't have answers? You sit. You listen. You encourage people to talk, you encourage them to be honest with themselves and with God. If needed, you ask hard questions. If not, you just... sit and be present with them. And you pray -- silently and aloud, for them and with them. Sometimes, answers aren't what people need. Sometimes, people just need you to be with them and to have faith FOR them. That's a huge part of ministry, whether formal or informal: believing for one another when we can't manage to believe on our own. Upholding one another when we need it most. Faith is the act of a community, not just an individual.

Last night, the woman faced an overwhelming situation, one that seemed to have the potential to crush her utterly, with honesty about her own lack of faith -- the disparity between what she knows about God (God is good) and what the situation seems to say about God (God is cruel). But even in the midst of her despair, anger, and confusion, she responded in faith: she desperately sought to turn TO God rather than away from him. And that's why she called me -- because she knew she didn't have the strength to turn to God on her own.

We often think that faith has to be unshakeable in order to "count" as faith -- we think that faith means that we ALWAYS have to believe whole-heartedly that God is who He says He is, who we've been taught that He is. But sometimes, a response of faith is simply wanting and trying to turn to God rather than away from Him.

Her response was honest: "I cannot believe."
Her response was faith-filled: "I desperately long to believe!"

And I had the privilege of being the one called to believe for her.

Sooo... I've been pretty busy in the past few weeks. And, as you can infer from this picture (slightly weird b/c I took it on my computer), I'm not likely to be any less busy in the coming weeks and months!

Ok, I couldn't resist posting this link:

Why Men Shouldn't Be Ordained.

Very tongue-in-cheek, good parody of the type of silly arguments used in debates about ordination.

Love it:

Grant us, O Lord, to trust in you with all our hearts; for, as you always resist the proud who confide in their own strength, so you never forsake those who make their boast of your mercy; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

(Collect for this coming Sunday, September 6th. One of my favorite parts of getting to plan worship is getting a sneak peak at how the Scripture passages and the Collect work hand in hand.)

A Case of the Shoulds

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the number of things I'm NOT doing: making appointments that need to be made, cleaning my room, checking in on friends who I know have been having a hard time, reading books that have been loaned to me, etc. Sounds silly, right?

But life is always full of "shoulds," both from the surrounding culture:

• I should go 'green' in every aspect of my life
• I should exercise every day
• I should buy this or that product so that my life will be complete
• I should pay attention to all the scientific research as the benefits of this or that food (açai berry, anyone?)
• I should read multiple news sources every day so as to stay up on what's going on in the world
• I should know what's going on in the financial world so that I can invest my money appropriately
• should, should, should

And also from the Christian subculture:

• I should read my Bible more
  
• I should pray more
  
• I should care more about God
  
• I should volunteer somewhere where I can help the poor
• I should be constantly growing in faith

Should, should; more, more!

Not everyone is as hypertuned to the shoulds of the world as I am -- and paying attention to should isn't all bad. However, if I get overwhelmed by shoulds to the point of paralysis, that's a problem. And slavery to shoulds is antithetical to grace.

So what's the solution? For now, maybe just a prayer of release:
Lord, I feel worthless because I cannot keep up with the shoulds of my life. Thank you that you've got me anyway, and that your grace is greater than my false guilt as well as my true guilt.

I guess the shoulds "should" point me to grace -- and that ain't a bad thing.

As much as I disagree with him on certain points, I try to respect John Piper as a faithful servant of God -- really I do. But things like this make me very nervous and a more than slightly sad. I've been thinking a lot about how difficult it is to challenge things in our culture that we think are wrong without completely turning people off to the church and Christianity, and even to the core message of the gospel. I don't have a lot of answers at this point -- just questions, theories, and an underlying sadness.

At times like this, all I can think to do is to pray, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." But Lord... let me see it here on earth too.

Check out Scot McKnight's post and discussion on Piper's comments: "The Minneapolis Tornado and John Piper".

Another quote from Ruthless Trust - I've posted part of this quote already, but today the sentences after the part I quoted particularly hit me, so here goes:

The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear. The existential dread that salvation is reserved solely for the proper and pious, the nameless fear that we are predestined to backslide, the brooding pessimism that the good news of God's love is simply wishful thinking--all these combine to weave a thin membrane of distrust that keeps us in a chronic state of anxiety.

The decisive ... conversion from mistrust to trust--a conversion that must be renewed daily--is the moment of sovereign deliverance from the warehouse of worry. ~Manning, 7~

The phrase, "the nameless fear that we are predestined to backslide," particularly resonated with me today. I often experience that undercurrent of fear, hear whispers that say "I'm not following God well enough," "I'm not doing enough to cultivate my relationship with Him," "I used to be more faithful and more spiritual," "God is going to give up on me if I don't start working harder"... Those terrifying whispers haunt many of us, I suspect, creeping into the depths of our souls and instilling a chill where once there was warmth.

But these whispers are not the whispers of the Holy Spirit. God does not desire His children to live in constant anxiety that they will be cast out of His kingdom, un-adopted former heirs. When I think I am mistrusting myself, saying, "I'm not able to do this spiritual thing! I'm going to fail!" I am actually mistrusting the Lord, implying that my ability to go wrong trumps His ability "to keep [me] from stumbling and to present [me] before his glorious presence blameless and with great joy" (Jude 24).

It's a long road, this way of trust... but well worth the journey.

A poem I wish I'd written

"The Avowal"

As swimmers dare
to lie face to the sky
and water bears them,
as hawks rest on air
and air sustains them,
so would I learn to attain
freefall and float
in Creator Spirit's deep embrace,
knowing no effort earns
that all-surrounding grace.

~Denise Levertov (in The Stream and the Sapphire)

Image found here.

Asking the Wrong Question

A lot of my close female friends are single -- and many of them are not extremely happy about that fact. As we get older, we've talked a lot about how hard it is for young Christian women to find the "right" guy, and we've ranted and lamented for hours on end.

I can't count how many times I've had girl friends ask the question, "What if God makes me be single forever!!" Or, putting it in a theological framework, "What if I'm called to singleness? Oh no, what if I have the GIFT OF SINGLENESS?!!" You'll have to imagine the horror with which Christian women often ask this question...

Putting aside the theological question about whether or not singleness is a spiritual gift (I'm not convinced), I read an interesting blog posting today on one of the few über-complementarian sites I follow. The woman makes a great point: when we ask, "Does God have singleness or marriage for me?" we are most likely asking the wrong question. Rather than agonize about this aspect of our futures, perhaps it is better "to just assume that God will give me the best wherever I am."

Now that's a gift we can count on.

STOP working on your relationship with God

Bet that title caught your attention, eh?

Today I read an excellent blog posting by Richard Beck, a professor at Abilene Christian University. Beck's article, titled, "The Bait and Switch of Contemporary Christianity", argues that contemporary Christians often substitute certain spiritual activities, such as having a daily quiet time, going to church, and reading religious books (things we consider "working on our relationship with God") in place of actually trying to live as a "decent human being." In other words, a lot of us Christians work on our relationship with God on our own through certain accepted spiritual methods but fail to actually be transformed inwardly by God through these methods.

I think Beck is scarily accurate. In fact, I highly recommend that you read his article in full (see above link). I have met Christians who are borderline obsessed with working harder at praying, reading Scripture, practicing spiritual disciplines - at practicing personal devotional piety - yet who are more concerned about themselves than about their neighbors. Yet in Scripture, active love for God and active love for neighbor are intricately connected! And in my experience, both kinds of love, while ultimately inspired in us by the Holy Spirit, must be worked at -- practiced -- just as we have to practice playing the piano or throwing a football.

Most likely, no Christian would deny that we are called to love other people. However, sometimes we have a blind spot when it comes to which is more important, "working on our relationship with God" or working on our relationships with our fellow human beings. God desires BOTH, and I truly believe that sometimes it is more pleasing to God for me to go spend time with another human being -- or even, as Beck suggests, to tip restaurant servers well -- than to pound out my relationship with God on my own, alone in my rooms. Remember Jesus' words (yes, I know they are out of context, but I think they still apply):

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-24).

Relating with human beings does not replace our personal devotion, but neither does personal devotion replace our relationships with our fellow human beings!

Image found at http://wordincarnate.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/13-pharisee.jpg.

I recently got out the old stack of memory verses I learned back in undergrad, when my faith was really taking off for the first time. The stack of 3x5 cards is pretty beaten up now, having traveled with me from Wheaton to California to Trinity's campus (and multiple moves on-campus) to Deerfield to my current apartment. At one point in my life I was pretty faithful to memorize Scripture on a regular basis, but I hadn't had my cards out for quite some time.

Tonight, I craved those familiar verses, so I went through a couple of them. Here's a passage that hit me as just the right description of where I'm at right now:

Psalm 66:16-20
Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me. I cried out to Him with my mouth, His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened, but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Thanks be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!

Trust and Discipleship

In looking through some church-related material that had magically piled up over the last few years, I ran across a photocopy out of a book by Brennan Manning called Ruthless Trust. My pastor probably handed out copies to our staff at one point and asked us to read it, but I had filed it away unread [sheepish grin], just one more casualty of the time-management wars.

But today, I had the time. So I read it. And now I want to buy the entire book and read it.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the chapter:

...childlike surrender in trust is the defining spirit of authentic discipleship. And I would add that the supreme need in most of our lives is often the most overlooked--namely, the need for an uncompromising trust in the love of God. (4)

[Ethicist John Kavanaugh asks Mother Theresa to pray for him that he might have clarity.] She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God." (5)

We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, "Into your hands I commit my spirit" (Luke 23:46). (6)

Though we often disregard our need for an unfaltering trust in the love of God, that need is the most urgent we have. It is the remedy for much of our sickness, melancholy, and self-hatred. The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear. (7)

Wallowing in shame, remorse, self-hatred, and guilt over real or imagined failings in our past [or present?] lives betrays a distrust in the love of God. (15)

I could go on. Granted, sometimes Manning is a bit saccharine for me, but this message of trust is exactly what I need to hear. And I suspect I'm not the only one...

Bearing Witness to the Good Shepherd

God is good. He is the Shepherd, the one who provides good things for His sheep over and above what they even imagine. Yes, we know this is true. But like any deep truth, it's easy to doubt God's goodness and care when He "feels" far away, or when our circumstances leave us desperate and needy and it seems like no one can help us. So often in this past year when I've been in that place of desperate need, I've known that God IS able to help, rescue, and provide, but it has seemed like He just... doesn't. Like He was just watching me thrash but not intervening.

In those moments, sometimes I would get angry at Him. "Why aren't you helping me?! I know I'm not able to help myself, but it feels like I have to just keep trying to pull myself up out of this pit, because You obviously are just going to keep watching me, motionless, and I can't just lay here waiting for You to act." In those moments, the tension between what I knew in my head about God (His goodness, His power, His provision) seemed to directly conflict with my experience of helplessness, of powerlessness, of desperation, of unmet need.

But my frustration and doubt dissolved into wonder and gratitude when God answered my deepest prayers more abundantly than I even dared to believe was possible. Specifically, I had been praying to be able to stay in ministry at my church. Now that I've graduated from seminary, student loan payments loom in the near future, and a part-time music minister can't quite survive on the North Shore without finding another job. I longed to be full-time at my church, but it seemed impossible - these are difficult times for everyone, and we are a small congregation.

But God was working behind the scenes, even when it seemed like He was motionless. A couple good friends stepped in to be advocates for me in a time when I could not be an advocate for myself. Thanks to them, the leaders of my church found the money and the need for a new position, a position basically tailor-made for me. A full-time position that allows me to stay where I feel called and actually DO what I long to do and what I've been preparing for in seminary for four years. I never thought it possible, but I am now the Pastor for Worship and Congregational Care at my church. It still feels like a miracle!

I am so, so, grateful - for the friends that stood up for me, for the church that has affirmed me, but most of all for God's lavish provision for me. When I first found out about my new position, I had this incredible sense of how ungrateful I have been in these last few months, of the extent of my lack of faith. I felt like God was probably sitting in heaven, shaking his head in gentle amusement and saying, "See? What were you so worried about? Didn't you know I'd take care of You?"

I wish I could say that receiving this provision has finally cured my lack of faith, but it hasn't. I still get frustrated with God, but now I get frustrated with Him over some of my own friends who are still in the "desert." I long to see them restored, and I don't understand why God seems to work so slowly.

But He does work. He works in His own time, but He works powerfully and lavishly. He IS the God who restores, and for His children the experience of the wilderness is never wasted. I don't always understand His timing, but I am slowly learning to trust that He knows what is best. And He is always good.

I don't deserve the richness of this new blessing - and perhaps that's why receiving this grace makes me so, so grateful.

Everything You [n]Ever Wanted to Know About the Anglican Provincial Assembly

Well, I promised I would post my reflections on the Anglican Provincial Assembly, so here goes nothing. Some of you might find this incredibly boring... but I'll try to make it informative AND at least slightly opinionated in order to keep it interesting.

First, a couple basic facts about the Assembly:

• Over 800 attendees from all over North America, as well as some representatives from the global Anglican Communion. 234 of these attendees (including me!) were voting delegates, representing 28 dioceses or dioceses-in-formation.
• Purpose of the Assembly: formally launch the Anglican Church of North America (ACNA), by ratifying the Constitution and Canons and installing Bishop Bob Duncan as Archbishop and Primate of the ACNA.
  
• Leaders of the various Anglican groups represented at the Assembly had worked on the proposed documents for many months, following up from last summer's GAFCON conference, and with the blessing of the GAFCON Primates. In other words, this was not an Assembly that just popped up out of nowhere - it's been a long time coming.
• Outcome of the Assembly: Constitution and Canons passed without a hitch. Archbishop installed in a beautiful service. Many attendees ecstatic that they finally have a new Province, a church of their own for orthodox Anglicans in North America.

I'm actually in this picture if you look reaaaaal closely...

Ok, enough with being "objective." If you want to read a more complete "objective" synopsis of the Assembly, check out this week's e-update from Church of the Redeemer [link to be posted soon].

I went to the Assembly with a lot of questions about the ACNA, the primary question being, "Is this movement something GOD is doing or something HUMANS are doing?" Granted, on this earth it's never completely one or the other, but I think the balance usually falls to one side more than the other. For example, when I attend AMiA Winter Conferences, I come home absolutely convinced that God is working through AMiA. I hoped that in attending the Provincial Assembly, I would get a better sense of how to evaluate the ACNA.

However, I left asking that same question - which surprised me a bit, considering the fact that during most of my time in Texas I was surrounded by people who are completely sold on the idea of the ACNA, who really believe that this Assembly marked a turning point for Anglicanism in the West, and who believe that God is bringing about a great reformation of the Western church in part through the efforts of North American Anglicans to stand for orthdoxy.

Maybe.

May it be.

But I have some concerns, which make me thankful that AMiA is staying AMiA, even as we are part of the ACNA (yeah, it's complicated... check out Bishop Murphy's statement).

• One of my biggest concerns is that the ACNA is emphasizing unity so strongly that honest discussion about differences is not occurring at this point... and that frightens me. There is a lot of history among the people ACNA is bringing together, and not all of it is Christ-like. In particular, some of the people who are now part of ACNA were highly critical toward AMiA when our leaders first turned to the global primates for "refuge" almost ten years ago. From what I gather, some of these old hurts have not been fully addressed; in fact, while I was at the assembly I sensed some general negativity toward AMiA from the other delegates. And we're not talking about it... That can be dangerous. Without some honest dialogue, confession, and forgiveness, there will be no true unity. Will ACNA foster dialogue or just say "forgive and forget" without doing the hard work the has to precede forgiveness? In my book, the jury is still out...
• Related to that, ACNA encompasses a variety of opinions about some hot-button issues, of which the most volatile is undoubtably women's ordination. Duncan's approach (written into the ACNA Constitution itself) is to say that as of right now this new Province will pass no law altering what individual groups and dioceses already allow concerning the ordination of women (particularly to the priesthood). To paraphrase ++Duncan, "we'll let God sort that issue out in His own time." I like this approach, but I can already tell that it bothers some people, particularly those who are most against women's ordination. My fear is that our enemy will get hold of these differences and tear the ACNA apart before it even gets off the ground... I fear that without much prayer, ACNA could become just another Christian group torn apart by anger, malice, and every other sin that threatens true unity. Pray, pray, pray...
• Finally, I have a sense that some, and perhaps even many, of those joining the ACNA are what I sometimes call "hard-core" Anglicans. To me, hard-core Anglicans are people who place high value on the nitty-gritty details of the Anglican tradition -- they can be snobby about things like which prayer book a group uses and whether the service music was dignified enough. Now, I'm all for the importance of tradition, BUT at the same time, I think there's an approach to liturgy and tradition that crystallizes it as "THE way" and actually deadens it, rather than letting it live and breathe and flex a bit. Anyway, all that to say that I fear the ACNA will be more focused on building church structure and continuing "right" tradition (in reaction against the Episcopal Church) that it neglects mission. In the words of an excellent article I read on this subject, I am worried that in ACNA, like in TEC, "causes replace gospel and self-authentication replaces mission."
  

It doesn't have to be this way. It could be that ACNA will prove to be more than a reactionary movement, more than just one more Christian splinter group that breaks away and then just keeps on splintering. But I am concerned, and concerned enough that I am thankful that AMiA is staying AMiA and continuing its attempts to be faithful to the calling we have received in North America and in partnership with Rwanda.

Forming a new Province is not as simple as ratifying a couple of documents. Forming a new Province, a new body of united Anglicans in North America, is a long process that requires a great deal of prayer and honest dialogue about past hurts and current differences. Unity cannot emerge simple by saying “we are united.” The hardest work of the ACNA might just be yet to come…

And in the meantime, let us pray.

Newly installed ACNA Archbishop Robert Duncan, a.k.a. "Crazy Eyebrows"

Where I've Been for the Past Month

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I last posted. A lot has happened in my life since May 6:

• I graduated from TEDS with my MDiv. Four (intense) years of my life have finally been rewarded with a diploma, a handshake, and a bunch of school loans.

• I fell in love with Montana, thanks to an awesome trip out West for a friend's wedding. I also fell in love with the rental car, a Honda Civic (Shhhh! Don't tell the Red Rocket!).

• I traveled to Atlanta for an AMiA Worship Leaders' Conference with Matt Redman. I would say it was "awesome," but according to Matt that's a word that we should reserve exclusively for God Himself. This conference sparked my creativity and got me thinking about the importance of developing leaders intentionally - which requires sacrifice and humility, because it means surrendering the notion that any of us are indispensable.

• I performed some music at a church-sponsored Coffee House, meant to raise awareness and moolah for the Rwanda trip. It was the first time I thoroughly enjoyed performing in this type of venue.

• The Rwanda team (our pastor and two others) from our church left on their two-week journey. For the first time, my phone number is on the church answering machine as the "call in a pastoral emergency" contact number.

• My grandpa's health has been failing for awhile, and he passed away on Wednesday, June 14, 4 p.m. PST. I booked a last minute flight and went home for a couple of days to support my family. And, for the first time in several years, I got to have breakfast with my dad on Father's Day.

• I arrived back in Chicago around 6 p.m. on Sunday, went home, collapsed in front of the TV for a couple of hours, repacked my suitcase, and flew out again Monday morning at 8 a.m. for the Anglican Provincial Assembly in Bedford, Texas (in between Dallas and Fort Worth). I was very, very tired... but at least I had a whole hotel room to myself!

So, for the past few days I have been in Dallas, attending meetings, hearing speakers, voting on the Canons and Constitution of the new Anglican Province (ACNA = Anglican Church of North America), and generally experiencing life through the eyes of those orthodox Anglicans who have decided to leave the Episcopal Church. I'm still processing everything that I have seen and heard (especially since AMiA will fall under the jurisdiction of the ACNA yet will still remain under the auspices of the Anglican Church of Rwanda), so expect another post about this soon.

Let's just say that I am tired and ready to come back home to Highwood and stay awhile. I hear a rumor that it's summer...

Gifts vs. Roles

Check out this great article on the False Distinction Between Gifts and Roles that many people in the church buy into.* The article is from a blog sponsored by Christianity Today called "Gifted for Leadership," and this particular article is written by a graduate of TEDS, Sarah Flashing. She challenges the church, and particularly women, to think more deeply about what it means to honor God with the spiritual gifts he has placed in us. She also has a great discussion of what submission ought to look like in the church, emphasizing that submission is NOT a "giving up" (negative, shutting down one's gifts) but rather a "giving to" another person (a positive act of love, not a denial of pleasures).

Check it out!



*Forgive the preposition at the end of this sentence, but it sounded way too awkward to write "into which many people in the church buy." As far as I'm concerned, I chose the lesser of the evils!

Till All Our Strivings Cease: Reflections on a Four-Year Journey

Note: What follows is an article I wrote for the most recent student newspaper at TEDS, the "Graduate Scrawl."

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“O Lord God, I am not worthy to be here. I fear to fail you, to go through this program without deepening in you. Forgive me for my lack of faith, Lord. May my efforts here show forth Your glory.”

With the words of this prayer, scribbled on a notecard during Orientation, I began my master’s degree at Trinity. Fearing failure. Fearing weakness. Longing to please God but fearful my own inadequacies would keep me from being “good enough.” Four years later, as I reflect back on my time at TEDS I can’t help but think of a well-worn vignette from C. S. Lewis’s Prince Caspian, when Aslan takes Eustace and strips off the dragon skin, transforming Eustace from a selfish, petty boy to a mature young man. I suspect I know exactly how Eustace felt–God has used the past four years to strip away some of the toughest layers of my own dragon skin so that I can minister as the person He made me to be.

Stripping the Outermost Layer: From “T” to “F”

One of the thickest layers the Lord has stripped away during my time at TEDS was my pride in my intellect. When I entered seminary, I saw myself primarily as a walking mind; I valued intellectual ability and rational thinking above all else. Imagine my horror when I took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter in “Personal Assessment” and discovered that I am a “Feeler,” not a “Thinker”! I took the test over and over, trying my hardest to be a “T” while still answering honestly. After all, I was destined to become one of the great academicians, dazzling the world with my theological treatises, NOT one of those “touchy-feely” counselor-types.

It wasn’t until my third year in seminary that I began to embrace being an “F”. By God’s grace, that year I enjoyed community and friendship as never before; for the first time in my life I found myself spending as much time with people as with my books. To my astonishment, I discovered that I actually love being with people, talking with people, listening to people, caring for people, even counseling people. In other words, I found I had a heart for ministry, not just a mind for theology.

Destroying the Deadliest Layer: From Striving to Resting

During my first two years at seminary, I worked over twenty hours a week, carried a full class load, participated on music teams in chapel and at church, ran four miles multiple times a week, helped to lead a student group, and slept an average of six hours a night. I was miserable, but I felt I couldn’t afford to spend time resting.

I resisted rest, fearing that if I stopped, I would fail – fail to earn As, to earn enough money, to earn approval from friends and professors, to keep in shape, … to please God. As hard as I worked, I was haunted by a deep, deep sense that I was never good enough and could never measure up to God’s standard for me. I knew in my head that my relationship with God relies more on His faithfulness than mine, but I was so fearful of spiritual complacency that I could not rest in His grace. I appended a string of “ifs” to “My grace is sufficient for you.”

But my frantic pace could not continue forever, and eventually my body rebelled. I was forced to rest and thus to face what I feared most: the silence of inactivity, where striving must cease. In that terrible silence, I have begun to learn the most basic and the most difficult lesson of all: grace. Following God is not a matter of doing or working hard but of continual surrender, learning to be dependent on Him and transformed by Him – being willing to submit as He strips the dragon-layers away.


Leaving the Layers Behind

As I prepare to graduate, less of a dragon than when I arrived, I am equal parts excited and scared. This “ministry” thing is still new to me – four years ago, I was merely a mind who eventually wanted to teach. I’m still getting used to the “new me,” the one who loves church work and treasures the deep privilege of rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep, the one who ministers not just in what she does but out of who she is. I still doubt my own abilities to “make it” in ministry, but I know that God has called me. And I am beginning to suspect that His strength just might actually be made perfect in my weakness.

Thinking Not Past Daily Bread

For some reason, I craved Scripture tonight. Maybe it was because I'd been glued to various entertainment-related screens for a good portion of the afternoon... For whatever reason, I needed something solid, something with depth, something that reached a deep place inside - even though I wasn't sure where exactly that place was located. In flipping through the New Testament (looking for a specific passage - I can't remember numbers for the life of me), I stumbled across exactly, exactly, exactly what I needed to read/hear from the Lord tonight.

You see, although it wasn't in the forefront of my mind tonight, I've been worried about... yep, you guessed it: money. Surprise, surprise. I've been praying and hoping and worrying about whether or not I can afford to continue working at my church as part-time staff, or whether I need to finally "grow up" and get a "real job." Music and church don't seem to count as "real jobs." I long to stay with the church community, doing the ministry I truly feel called to do - but is that simply naive? How do I know if staying here is a leap of faith or simply not being realistic? Lately, normal "life" matters of a few medical bills, needing (?) some new clothes, buying groceries, paying rent -- all those things have weighed upon me.

So tonight, this is the passage the Lord brought to me:

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. [Ouch!] Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. [Living like that sounds amazing... I'm more likely to fear that trusting my heavenly Father to feed me will leave me hungry. And how does this relate to worldly wisdom about 401k's?] Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? [I don't really want to add hours. Now, if I could add dollars...]

"And why do you worry about clothes? [Because I feel exceptionally shabby lately!] See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you -- you of little faith? [Yep. That's me. I really do doubt. And I don't fully comprehend what it means to be more precious to God than a field lily.]

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' [What about 'How will I ever afford to pay off my school loans?'] For the pagans run after all these things [So true, the world is full of people working hard to take care of themselves, desperate to provide for their needs and wants by careful planning and hard work] and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

WHOA! Stop right there! "Your heavenly Father knows that you need them." Wow - it never hit me like that before. Tonight, something about that phrase grabbed me - God knows that I need these daily things. All the "But's" I add won't change that.

But here's the kicker, the verse that hit me once again tonight:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If I am truly seeking after God's kingdom, seeking to follow Him and serve Him, He WILL provide for me. No conditionals here. Putting Him first is all that matters. That is not naivete: that is faith.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!

Amusing Anglican Maladies

Courtesy of my GoogleReader, I ran across a blog put out by an Anglican priest named Tobias Stanislaus Haller BSG (Brotherhood of St. Gregory). One of his funniest postings is titled "Anglican Maladies: being a compendium of certain illnesses afflicting many sectors of the Anglican world, and, of course, intended completely as satire." For any of you who are somewhat familiar with the ins and outs of Anglicanism, it's completely hilarious!

Perhaps I should write a similar satire called "Evangelical Maladies..."

Check it out: Anglican Maladies.

Time for a Change...

As you can see, I'm currently trying to give this blog a bit of a face-lift... So thanks for your patience as I tinker with it for the next few days.

In honor of the Great Tridium, I'm posting a poem by one of my favorite poets, Denise Levertov.

Salvator Mundi: Via Crucis

Maybe He looked indeed
much as Rembrandt envisioned Him
in those small heads that seem in fact
portraits of more than a model.
A dark, still young, very intelligent face,
a soul-mirror gaze of deep understanding, unjudging.
That face, in extremis, would have clenched its teeth
in a grimace not shown in even the great crucifixions.
The burden of humanness (I begin to see) exacted from Him
that He taste also the humiliation of dread,
cold sweat of wanting to let the whole thing go,
like any mortal hero out of his depth,
like anyone who has taken a step too far
and wants herself back.
The painters, even the greatest, don't show how,
in the midnight Garden,
or staggering uphill under the weight of the Cross,
He went through with even the human longing
to simply cease, to not be.
Not torture of body,
not the hideous betrayals humans commit
nor the faithless weakness of friends, and surely
not the anticipation of death (not then, in agony's grip)
was Incarnation's heaviest weight,
but this sickened desire to renege,
to step back from what He, Who was God,
had promised Himself, and had entered
time and flesh to enact.
Sublime acceptance, to be absolute, had to have welled
up from those depths where purpose
drifted for mortal moments.

The curse of synthesis --
re-creating worlds in webs
lacking linear logic
for the moles, those men
devoted to the single cause,
energies funneled in
one powerful stream
moving mountains,
demystifying depths
with beady eyes
and tireless fingers.

But we, the spiders,
spin subtlety,
Make plain the sparkling threads
holding trees and towers
diamonds and dirts
cats and skylines
all together in the master scheme.

~ARH, 4/5/08



The wounded pass through their days
dazed because this thing has happened
to them
not another.
Virtual reality realized--
devastation.
And we become the thing we mocked.

~ARH 9/8/08

A very good reason NOT to move to Amsterdam

I've never really considered moving to Amsterdam. Nothing against the Netherlands, it just hasn't crossed my mind. And now, thanks to a story my Google Reader brought to me today, I have even less desire to move to Amsterdam... public weigh-ins just aren't my style. However, it sure makes for a humorous story!

Check it out: Bus Shelters in Amsterdam Point Out Fat People

Living in a Psalm

Well, I did it -- I preached my very first sermon since my first year in seminary. Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it. God certainly showed his goodness to me through the whole process; in fact, he used the Psalm I studied and the message I prepared to encourage me!

When I preached in class, I felt incredibly peaceful and confident - and that confidence really didn't come from my preparation (since I hadn't even really practiced the sermon aloud and actually had no idea how many minutes it would turn out to be...). I really think I sensed the peace of the Spirit. That was cool.

Here's another cool thing: I had been kind of intimidated to preach in front of all the guys in my class (since seminarians are notorious for nit-picking at sermons), but after my sermon several of the guys told me it was just what they needed to hear that morning. The main theme of my sermon was joy in the midst of lament, and one guy in particular told me that he had come to class praying that God would show him how to be joyful. Now THAT's awesome.

Whew! I'm almost done with all the work for my MDiv degree... kinda crazy...

Liturgy of Lament? Done.
Sermon on Psalm 126? In progress. NOT panicking. Really
Books and reading reports for class on Sexual Identity? Thursday.

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By the way (particularly for Ryan), I think I figured out what my mysterious factor "X" has been, although I think the equation will actually have to include X1 and X2 . For me, X1 is the thought/feeling that since I'm not going to be able to complete whatever task is before me "perfectly" (at least according to my standards), what's the use in trying? Interesting and slightly twisted, eh? I think there's still an X2 floating around out there....

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One of the hats I currently wear at TEDS is that of the president of a group for women graduate students (the group has been through many names with just as many acronyms, none of which I remotely find enjoyable). We are welcoming a guest speaker next Monday, Carolyn Custis James, and I'm really excited! Among other things, I'm intrigued by the fact that she was one of the first women students to register at Dallas Theological Seminary... Check out her short Bio.

While I was looking at one of the blogs to which Ms. James occasionally contributes, I ran across an interesting article: The Rise of Gender Fundamentalism. Frightening. But I fear that in some circles, it strikes all too close to home...

Liturgy of Lament

It's amazing to me that the fewer classes I take, the harder it is to actually get my work done for said classes. You'd think the opposite would be true, right? But no.

I have an integration paper due this Friday for my "Loss and Grief" class, the only real paper required for the class. This is the last class that really "counts" toward my degree - you'd think that would be motivation enough for me to get 'er done. But no.

I chose a topic for this paper that should really engage me: putting together a "Liturgy of Lament" for our context at Church of the Redeemer and explaining how it functions to help those experiencing grief and loss. Worship + pastoral care = me being interested. At least, so you'd think. But no! The equation needs some tweaking: worship + pastoral care - ? = me lacking motivation.

Somehow, I know I'll get it done. And then I'll move on to my sermon on Psalm 126. And then I'll write another post about how I'm unmotivated to complete THAT assignment. Ahhh... grad school fourth-year-itis strikes again.

Image from this website.

Biblical Curse Generator

How'd you like to be able to whip out these zingers at the drop of a hat?

Hear this, thou child of Jezebel, for you will have more mother-in-laws than King Solomon!

May you fall under a speeding chariot, O ye irritating inhabitant of Gath!

I hope you will be taunted by the king's concubines, thou son of thunder!

Check out this link: http://ship.saintsimeon.co.uk/curses/index.html

Enjoy!

Adventures at Garrett [Less] Evangelical [than Trinity] Divinity School

TEDS. GETS. Similar acronyms, no? My J-term at Garrett, "Loss and Grief," wrapped up last week, and overall my experience at a seminary outside of TEDS was well worth while! Here are a few snapshots of the past couple of weeks for me:

• My professor was named Dr. Adolf Hansen. Based on name alone, I envisioned this tall, martially grey-haired, angry professor with an extreme German accent. "Zee loss??!! Zee grief?!! You must all get over zeeze things, you puny little people!!" In fact, Dr. Hansen is a dear, dear white-haired gentleman, with a huge heart for people, inside and outside of the classroom. Although we probably disagreed on some doctrinal matters (such as whether the Gospels reflect what Jesus actually said - he was a NT scholar for much of his life), his life reflected Christ in a big way. He inspired me with his stories of how he cares for people and witnesses to his neighbors. AND he doesn't believe God will automatically save all people (a doctrinal bonus for a non-evangelical) , although he says, "but God wants to save all people... and He might!"

• In terms of gender, I was in the majority in the classroom - an unusual event in my seminary experience. When I mentioned this fact with a wry smile on the first day we met, the entire class laughed for about a minute. Apparently evangelicals have a reputation. :)

• Speaking of which, it was very interesting being one of the few evangelicals in the class. In a small group discussion, I tried to express my vague discomfort with an article that talked about C.S. Lewis' spirituality without talking about God, and my partner told me that she was coming from a different place: she believed, "Jews, Muslims, Christians [I can't remember if she went further than that] - we all worship the same God. And I work in healing energy - healing energy, healing prayer - it's all the same thing, just different words." It reminded me how very insulated I am at TEDS... and it frightened me that I wasn't sure exactly what to say. So, I just listened.

• Dr. Hansen's teaching style was very different from what I've encountered in most classes at TEDS. Rather than lecturing from on high the entire class period, he used a combination of lecture, dicussion of readings, personal reflection, video, and other interactive exercises... and although I received less pure content and took far fewer notes than I usually do in classes, I think the material from the class sunk into my mind far more quickly than in most classes. So wait... lecture isn't the only (or even the best?!!) way to teach a class...

• At the same time, one of my favorite class period at GETS was a lecture of sorts. A guest speaker from Garrett, Dr. Pamela Lightsley, spoke to us for about an hour and a half one afternoon on the topic of African-American grief, and she was absolutely fascinating! As an African-American woman who is ordained as a deacon in the Methodist church (I think - don't quote me on that one... might be the AME), she has seen a heck of a lot, particularly since she ministers a great deal on the South Side. Imagine conducting a funeral for someone who died in a gang fight, so that the police have to come to the funeral just to make sure things don't explode into further violence...

• I have to say, it was awesome being in a class at GETS around the time of Obama's inauguration. I'm not saying that Obama is the hope of the world (it seems to me that we already have a Savior), but there's no doubt that his election is a historic moment for our country. Dr. Hansen was involved in pushing for civil rights and greater justice for African-Americans throughout his career, so hearing his excitement about how far things have come, as well as the reflections of the two African-American students in the class, made me very thankful for the progress made in our country over the past fifty years. We're not out of the woods by any means, but for now, I'll celebrate the moment!

• As you might imagine, a course on "Loss and Grief" brings up all sorts of things in a person who enters into the material. Several students in the class had pretty heart-breaking stories that they shared with the class - in fact, having a safe place to share their stories seemed to actually help a few students move forward in their grief processes. Personally, the class showed me that I've got a few things of my own to grieve - which is good to realize, but pretty darn scary. In fact, I suspect that I've only begun to learn how to grieve...
  

• ... for everyone grieves differently! Throw out the old 5-step model of grief (developed by Kübler-Ross, BY the way), and usher in the newer, more flexible models of grief. As in so many other areas of study and practice, thanatology is moving away from "one-size-fits-all," somewhat prescriptive models (oh-so-modern!) and toward personal, culturally-sensitive, descriptive, non-judgmental models (hello postmodernism!). I think this trend is a positive correction of reductionistic models for the most part, and even the new models emphasize that disfunctional ways to grieve exist - but treating "complicated grief" must be done on a case-by-case basis. In other words, since each person grieves in his or her own unique way, influenced by factors such as culture, gender, age, other experiences of loss, and personality, determining what is "healthy" grief and what is "unhealthy" grief cannot be done out of context. Whew! Less guilt to attach to non-moral issues! For the guilt-stricken (which is all of us at one time or another), this is good news!

Anyway, those are just a few thoughts/vignettes from the wonderful world of Garrett. Not including the $50 parking ticket I got the first day of class, the 45-minute commute I performed multiple times in a blizzard, the impossibility of finding parking on campus after 8 in the morning, and the days the classroom was so cold I had to wear my winter coat (the one that makes me look like a big marshmallow) inside, "Loss and Grief" was well worthwhile!

A little melancholy for a cold winter's night

A time to mourn--
the last red dew-drops
clinging
as the leaves slowly shroud the ground;
the final crumbs
of a spent plate--
napkin crumpled,
rejected;
the last echoes of a masterpiece
dying into memory
silent.
The good is wrenched away.
The void is filled with pain.
hope hurts--
dreams dead--
anticipating dully the new day.

~ARH 10/23/08, rev. 1/18/09~

Starting next Monday, I'm going to be taking a class ("Loss and Grief") NOT at Trinity, but at a nearby theological seminary. Let's look at a few facts:
- This nearby seminary is loosely affiliated with the United Methodist Church
- This nearby seminary tends to be much more liberal than TEDS.
- The syllabus doesn't really mention Scripture. That would never happen at TEDS.
- The syllabus DOES talk about ministry and about God. This is a plus.
- The first book we have to read for the class is called, "Men Don't Cry... Women Do." Again, not real common at TEDS
- The assignments are mostly personal reflection, not theological or biblical. Not a criticism, just different!

This could get interesting...

Gettin' All Domestic

Since my last post, an entire holiday season has passed! And apparently, with more time at my disposal I get more... domestic. In the past week and a half I found myself engaged in the following activities:

- Making an apple pie... then making another
- Knitting (slash learning to knit - ask me how I learned the importance of counting stitches...)
- Cleaning (less of this)
- Helping my mom make home-made caramels
- Baking rolls
- Baking cookies
- Cooking pork stew (my first time handling pork - ew!)

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the fact that I caught myself spending an entire afternoon making apple pie and knitting - I haven't exactly considered myself the "domestic type." But for now, I'll take it.