Bearing Witness to the Good Shepherd

God is good. He is the Shepherd, the one who provides good things for His sheep over and above what they even imagine. Yes, we know this is true. But like any deep truth, it's easy to doubt God's goodness and care when He "feels" far away, or when our circumstances leave us desperate and needy and it seems like no one can help us. So often in this past year when I've been in that place of desperate need, I've known that God IS able to help, rescue, and provide, but it has seemed like He just... doesn't. Like He was just watching me thrash but not intervening.

In those moments, sometimes I would get angry at Him. "Why aren't you helping me?! I know I'm not able to help myself, but it feels like I have to just keep trying to pull myself up out of this pit, because You obviously are just going to keep watching me, motionless, and I can't just lay here waiting for You to act." In those moments, the tension between what I knew in my head about God (His goodness, His power, His provision) seemed to directly conflict with my experience of helplessness, of powerlessness, of desperation, of unmet need.

But my frustration and doubt dissolved into wonder and gratitude when God answered my deepest prayers more abundantly than I even dared to believe was possible. Specifically, I had been praying to be able to stay in ministry at my church. Now that I've graduated from seminary, student loan payments loom in the near future, and a part-time music minister can't quite survive on the North Shore without finding another job. I longed to be full-time at my church, but it seemed impossible - these are difficult times for everyone, and we are a small congregation.

But God was working behind the scenes, even when it seemed like He was motionless. A couple good friends stepped in to be advocates for me in a time when I could not be an advocate for myself. Thanks to them, the leaders of my church found the money and the need for a new position, a position basically tailor-made for me. A full-time position that allows me to stay where I feel called and actually DO what I long to do and what I've been preparing for in seminary for four years. I never thought it possible, but I am now the Pastor for Worship and Congregational Care at my church. It still feels like a miracle!

I am so, so, grateful - for the friends that stood up for me, for the church that has affirmed me, but most of all for God's lavish provision for me. When I first found out about my new position, I had this incredible sense of how ungrateful I have been in these last few months, of the extent of my lack of faith. I felt like God was probably sitting in heaven, shaking his head in gentle amusement and saying, "See? What were you so worried about? Didn't you know I'd take care of You?"

I wish I could say that receiving this provision has finally cured my lack of faith, but it hasn't. I still get frustrated with God, but now I get frustrated with Him over some of my own friends who are still in the "desert." I long to see them restored, and I don't understand why God seems to work so slowly.

But He does work. He works in His own time, but He works powerfully and lavishly. He IS the God who restores, and for His children the experience of the wilderness is never wasted. I don't always understand His timing, but I am slowly learning to trust that He knows what is best. And He is always good.

I don't deserve the richness of this new blessing - and perhaps that's why receiving this grace makes me so, so grateful.