Looking back...

Most of you will probably NOT be surprised when I say that I am a self-reflective person. I'm one of those people who keep old journals and occasionally go back and read them. Sometimes, I find it hard to fall asleep until I get my thoughts down on paper. So imagine my delight when, while putting some old notebooks in boxes (let's hear it for a mid-semester move), I found my folder from a class I took my first year at seminary: "Personal Assessment and Introduction to Ministry." Now I realize that all you TEDS people probably just gave a big groan... but I actually enjoyed that class! This morning, I've been looking through my thoughts about myself and about ministry - written three years ago. It's pretty fascinating to see where God has brought me, three years later.

As part of my "Life-Line" project, which basically involved writing a spiritual autobiography, I wrote the following prayer in response to what I saw as I looked back at God's work in my life.

Lord God, Father Almighty, how often I have cried out to you! I look back at myself and I see desperation, I hear weeping. Yet I look back at you and I see faithfulness, I hear comfort. For before I could cry out, You knew me. Before I knew how prideful I was, You prepared humility for me. Before I knew how little I knew You, You knew me better than I will ever know myself, and You loved me. When my whole life was dedicated to serving myself, You were preparing me for service. When I struggled against Your plans for my life, You were persistent in pulling me in the right direction. And in spite of myself--in spite of my pride, my ambition, my independence, my snobbery--You saved me, You granted me faith, You breathed new life into me by Your Word and Spirit, and You transformed my life. I praise You, Lord!

Holy Trinity, I am unworthy. And even my self-doubt is lack of faith: I fear that You are not enough to cover my inadequacy. Yet You have taught me that You alone are enough! You alone save me by Your grace! You alone have raised me up and given me a calling as a precious gift! You have guided my every step! You created me with a unique personality and passion, and You chose to create me this way. When I hate who I am (Kyrie eleison!), You show me Your love and remind me that I am who I am for a reason... and You are shaping who I am to conform to the image You designed me to reflect: the image of You Son. I praise You, Lord!