Potrait of the artist as a young woman...

This was me today - only cranky. Yeah, imagine Angry Eeyore - and that was me. I'm currently attempting repentance.

Whoa there...

Ok, so this morning I'm reading along, trying to finish up a textbook for American Church History, and then BAM! I run into this paragraph:

"Some denominations, rather than taking steps in the direction of female ordination and greater leadership opportunities for women, have taken steps in the opposite direction. The Southern Baptist Convention had ordained women as early as 1964 and by the mid-1980s had ordained over 400 women. By that time, however, ordaining women to the ministry had become highly controversial, with an increasingly conservative leadership becoming ever more outspoken in opposition to such action. At its 1984 annual meeting, in a crucial fundamentalist move, the Southern Baptist Convention declared that women should not assume a role of authority over men. Women were to be excluded from the pastoral ministry to 'preserve a submission God requires because the man was first in creation and the woman was first in the Edenic fall.' In 1986 the convention's Home Mission Board voted not to grant funds to any church that employed a woman pastor, and then in 1998 the convention capped its reactionary turn by declaring the women were to practice 'gracious' submission to their husband's leadership."
~Edwin Gaustad & Leigh Schmidt, The Religious History of America, 389 (emphasis mine).~

Whoa there! I had no idea that the SBC had ordained women at one time! Can you imagine being one of those women who had been ordained, then told that their callings were invalid so they couldn't be pastors anymore? And it's prrrrretty interesting that their conservative position on women's submission did not formally crystallize until the 1980s. Granted, you can't make an argument for women's ordination (or for egalitarianism) based on this fact, but I'm just saying...

Perhaps we should all recognize that the way these debates unfold in the U.S. are as much cultural as theological.

Fragments of the day

Reading the past in an old worn journal,
I wonder at the thoughts I see expressed--
mine, yet not mine,
far off, yet resonant--
and I trace the patterns
through many days of grief,
recurring questions,
tear stains,
exclamations
of joy and frustration--
the patterns of my life--
weakness interwoven
with truth--

and You are there
for You were there--
in the dullness
in the ache
in the joy
in the beauty--
You were there
in those strange words
in a familiar handwriting--
You were there
in those dry tears of desperation
and knotted angst--

You were there with me
when I felt no presence
of You--
your truth
your love
your passion
your grace
your peace
your goodness
your justice
your blessings
your Word--
You were there
loving me.

And for that--
I praise thee.

Excusing vs. Forgiving

As part of one of my classes, I am reading a great, great book: Peacemaking Women: Biblical Hope for Resolving Conflict. I admit, when I first saw the title, I thought (in my sarcastic voice), "Great, a fluffy book that's going to drive me crazy and be all sentimental." However, from the moment I opened the book, I was captured. The book goes much deeper than simply, "Let's just all get along" - it talks about conflicts with God, conflicts with others, and conflicts within (like shame, fear and depression). It also draws in Scripture in such a way that it hits home in very practical ways. I sense that the Lord is actually going to use this book in my life in a deep way...


Here's one quote that struck me as I was reading a chapter on Forgiveness this morning:

"... Excusing somebody is not the same thing as forgiving her. Too often, even in the church, we are taught to excuse others rather than to forgive. Have you ever heard (or said) something like this: 'Yes, she wronged me, but she was going through a really hard time and I really wasn't there for her--so I forgive her.' This is not forgiving; it is excusing. Excusing says, 'On the basis of some external criteria, I release you.' True biblical forgiveness says, 'On the basis of God's forgiving me for my sin, I forgive you.' ... Excusing does not last. Forgiveness lasts forever."~Tara Klena Barthel & Judy Dabler, Peacemaking Women: Biblical Hope for Resolving Conflict (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2005), 114.~

Looking back...

Most of you will probably NOT be surprised when I say that I am a self-reflective person. I'm one of those people who keep old journals and occasionally go back and read them. Sometimes, I find it hard to fall asleep until I get my thoughts down on paper. So imagine my delight when, while putting some old notebooks in boxes (let's hear it for a mid-semester move), I found my folder from a class I took my first year at seminary: "Personal Assessment and Introduction to Ministry." Now I realize that all you TEDS people probably just gave a big groan... but I actually enjoyed that class! This morning, I've been looking through my thoughts about myself and about ministry - written three years ago. It's pretty fascinating to see where God has brought me, three years later.

As part of my "Life-Line" project, which basically involved writing a spiritual autobiography, I wrote the following prayer in response to what I saw as I looked back at God's work in my life.

Lord God, Father Almighty, how often I have cried out to you! I look back at myself and I see desperation, I hear weeping. Yet I look back at you and I see faithfulness, I hear comfort. For before I could cry out, You knew me. Before I knew how prideful I was, You prepared humility for me. Before I knew how little I knew You, You knew me better than I will ever know myself, and You loved me. When my whole life was dedicated to serving myself, You were preparing me for service. When I struggled against Your plans for my life, You were persistent in pulling me in the right direction. And in spite of myself--in spite of my pride, my ambition, my independence, my snobbery--You saved me, You granted me faith, You breathed new life into me by Your Word and Spirit, and You transformed my life. I praise You, Lord!

Holy Trinity, I am unworthy. And even my self-doubt is lack of faith: I fear that You are not enough to cover my inadequacy. Yet You have taught me that You alone are enough! You alone save me by Your grace! You alone have raised me up and given me a calling as a precious gift! You have guided my every step! You created me with a unique personality and passion, and You chose to create me this way. When I hate who I am (Kyrie eleison!), You show me Your love and remind me that I am who I am for a reason... and You are shaping who I am to conform to the image You designed me to reflect: the image of You Son. I praise You, Lord!