Return to the Word

The other night, I picked up my Bible because I wanted to read it. Now, on first glance, that may not seem like an extraordinary event, but let me put it this way: the other night, I picked up my Bible because I wanted to read it. I WANTED to read it. I was not in a desperate emotional state, I was not seeking the answer to a trivia question, I was not reading as part of a class requirement; no, I just wanted to read Scripture.

For some, this event would not be seen as an occasion for rejoicing. However, it has been a really long time since I have been able to come to Scripture without the imperious Should ringing in my ears, a word which often brings resentment rather than rejoicing.

Recently, a friend asked me whether I believe that people go through "phases." My first answer was a Yes, though qualified, as my answers often are. I do believe that each of us has seasons in which we are naturally inclined toward certain practices and not others; for example, I go through phases of desiring a lot of people-time and phases of desiring a lot of alone time. I go through "phases" where it is easy to turn my heart and mind upward, and through times when I collapse into bed at the end of the day and suddenly (and sadly) realize, "oh yeah, God... I forgot about him." Now I do not believe that "phases" are excuses for sin; but at the same time, I wonder if the common evangelical Christian understanding of the spiritual walk overemphasizes a mechanistic, one-size-all "progression" in faith that actually can work against what God desires to do in our lives. We cannot sustain ourselves by willpower alone; I cannot sustain discipline merely because of a Should. Love is a life-giving motivator; Should bestows guilt and calls it duty. Should has its own season, its role to play in the life of faith, but Should is never equal to Spirit.

I have been in a phase, a season, during which I could not read Scripture, during which I had no room in my heart and mind for meditation and stillness. I feel myself returning, I hope, I pray, to the Word, to a season in which Scripture means something to me, in which I devour the words rather than force them down and read out of my love for God and sincere gratitude for his gracious gift to us in Scripture.

Love for God Himself--precious indeed.