Yes, I'm alive...

Apparently I unofficially decided to take a sabbatical from ye olde blog. I've been juggling a lot of different things in the past few months, and frankly feeling overwhelmed much of the time! I'm thankful for what I have on my plate right now, but I'm also struggling to break free of old, old patterns that drag me down and hold me back. Freedom is coming, I think -- but it comes at a the price of hard work, intentionality, and tears.

I wrote this poem (yes, it's angsty, as my poems are wont to be) a few months back. It expresses a bit of my grief at realizing the damage I've done to myself through some of the mental habits I've held onto for so long, as well as my sense that the time is coming when those habits will no longer keep me in their stranglehold.

And the pain floods in again from my very core.

These tears are Real, an expression

of a very real part of me

A child I have carried inside for so long

and fed with guilt

and nourished with abuse

and coddled with half truths

about who I am.

It sits like an iron ball on my stomach

and the time to shed this weight draws near.

The labor pains are upon me

I must learn to live life without

this parasite masquerading as my child--

for I am the child--

terrified

lonely

vulnerable

fragile

weak

ashamed

desperate

insecure

cowering at projected

rejection.

Yes, I am the child here.